Hip Hop Locos

Shit Flop Hobos

A very good evening or day citizens and lovely peeps. Today you’ll be getting a real treat. Not only from the movie world, also from the review world since this is the first combined review of the Dung Bug and Inane-Man (Turhakemies) and today to be reviewed is such a beauty as Hip Hop Locos!

And keep that title picture in mind, those face will be seen in this product for about 80% of the time.

(From here-on our guys are going to battle against this production in turns, DB = Dung Bug, IM = Inane-Man)

DB: And let the machine roll! … okay… we get some second-class hip hop music which is just a bass doesn’t change in pace… yeah..

TM: The “movie” starts with a fine grady style here we see two rapping potatoheads… oh, I’m sorry, they’re our “heroes” HOLY SHIT. Nice (c)rap by the way.

DB: Yeah. “Rap”. The music goes on and some guy talks words onto the screen. I have to say, pretty fancy ad-libbed lyrics. Every other word is “fuck” is some sort of form and the other guy in the background is just tough. As tough as the stone in gull bladder that’s getting hard and the size of the moon! Fuck what shit! Oh, he wasn’t rapping, he was telling us what they were going to do! Oh right! *throws catshit on the screen*

Good rapping deserves a fish!

TM: Ladies and gentlemen, the 95% of this movie’s… NO, this crap-pile’s “dialogue” consists of the following words: “fuck”, “shit”, “ese”, “‘eh” and “holmes” (or whatever it is all tough mexicans say). Here’s a take from the movie’s dialogue: Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Shit Shit Shit Shit dope Ese Ese Ese Ese Ese Ese Ese Ese Ese Ese Ese Ese Ese Ese. *headdesk*

DB: *joins the headdesking* Oh my lord this is atrocious. We watch 20 minutes as our hip hop shitheads “talk” shit with each other and then kill somebody and take his car and then talk some more crap. And all this is done nicely with a black and white effect. THIS IS SOME GREAT ARTISTIC SHIT!!! *tores his guts out*

TM: Now as this Failboat goes sailing, we get lost into a series of scenes where we have our two guys and the car (Oscar to the car). Apparently our hip flop loco “killed” some dealer and stole a bag of grass, really artistic the replay of the attack, WTF. SHIT.

DB: Took a long time to kill, the damn guy groaned, choked and gurgled for at least three minutes while our loco #2 told the other to finish the fucker. Then our guys praise each other and are happy that they got the dope and then smoke a joint… lovely slowing their voices. We’re so high right now! *shoots a plane down* FUCK!

DB: Yeah, onwards… The locos talk more shit for some time and decide that they go to the next dealer. Oh the excitement. *does crossword puzzles during the “dialogue”*

TM: During the shit-talk, they were driving the car and we see the road and we see the road and we see the road and we see the road and we see the road YEAH WE GET IT! Then the camera walks in the dark night while a disabled cow tortures the mixing table…

TM: As our Loco arrives to the scene, which is another dealer’s house, he has to touch everything for at least FIVE FUCKING MINUTES. Inane-Man presents Fondlinglist 2010! Air pistol: 2 minutes, bullet: half a minute and four lines of coke and a coke bag: around 2 minutes. This movie -> out the window.

DB: *throws the movie via the wall and trash back into the DVD player* The loco returns to the car and the boys put on skimasks and go back in to kill the dealer. The retard can’t get his hands on the gun, the locos drag him into the kitchen and decide to stab the whiteboy shit! Yeah, the gun is too violent. I have to say that these replay slow-motions are really… err… umm… rpkflghu! Yes! We see as the guy lies on the kitchen floor in a pool of strawberry sauce. And then it’s… again about 15 minutes of speech, shitty music and we see the road and we see the road and we see the road and we see the road… Oh, they made a phone call during it but WHO CARES when we can’t even here the call?!!? FUCK! *burns his nosehair with plutonium*

Rated R for Retard!

TM: Our Flop Locos sneak up to some other dealer’s place and then kill him to get more OREGANO into the tobacco. Next dialogue + scenery: Shit, Fuck, Ese, Shit, Fuck, Ese, Shit, Fuck, Ese, Shit, Fuck, Ese, Shit, Fuck, Ese, Shit, Fuck, Ese, Shit, Fuck, Ese, Shit, Fuck, Ese. At the same time from the car we film some EXCITING ROADPART! *drumfill* We also filmed a bag for a whole fucking year and made a phone call… could a friendly soul tell us WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?

Know what I'm sayin', ese?

DB: That was really exciting watching him showing and fondling the bag, even retards understood that you guys have a bag of cocaine and you’re putting it in the sportsbag! *chews his fingers off and continues to write with the stumps* From here we transport into some B-rated music studio where some niggah was waiting for our locos that want to do some music. It feels like the guys don’t know anything about anything since they keep asking about thing they should know everything about. Oh yea, and here’s a real pearl for you lovelies, the best line in the whole flick: “We’re gonna fuck some dope beats with this shit!” … you get a good idea of what kind of dialogue this crap has. And then all three go into the car where the other loco empties a cigar and wraps some grass inside instead. And then again this artistic lowering the voices and some awful fucking bullshit talk. *cries, complains, calls 911, burns the house and prays for Satan to return his soul*

TM: Head exploding! WHISKEY!! *sips* Ah, I feel much better. After watching for about five minutes as our guys fit the damn flourbag into the SPORTSBAG ONCE AGAIN… they fondle the flour, a stick, a gun and more flour… NONONONAOFNONOFOPAF… Excuse me while I hit my head on the keyboard… jhuyjhnm. Thank you. Then we see as they make another joint.. NO PUT IT AWAY. You didn’t and now we watch 5 minutes of smoking it…………. oh right, Dung Bug already mentioned this, yeah my thoughts aren’t running since Shit Flop Hobos has eaten the rest of what was left.

Hip Hop Game

TM: And we see the road, I think you get the picture… we see the rorororoad… we get to some place where we see a wall for about a minute. Continuity gold and we’re somewhere and someone gets their ass kicked… I can’t really explain it any better as this movie sucks big time.

DB: Yeah, I guess the guys found some dealer who is a real tough guy even though the boys kick and hit him and yell fuck shit fuck shit fuck you shit fuck. Righty-o. Well, the dealer kicked the bucket and suddenly out of nowhere, where this movie should be, someone comes in with a shotgun and we have a short stand-off with him, the screen goes dark, we hear gunshots and… then our other asshole ends the movie with some fucking awful freetyling rapping and that’s the end of it. Uh-huh, an artistic movie like this and the boys couldn’t think of a better ending? OH THE DISAPPOINTMENT! *farts in his own ear and talks in German for 5 minutes*

DB: Allow me to translate that what I just said. Fuck what horrible shit! Even worse that Asses of Tayopa! FUCK ME! Boring, fucking awful shit, oh fuck, now I sound like these assholes! NO! *shoots himself*

Real gangsta!

TM: After the “supreme ending” I felt a piece the size of Russia of my soul went down into the sewers. NO, COME BACK, oh wait don’t, because there could be some Hip Hop Locos with it, stay away and keep it damnit!

Final thoughts: Shit, fuck, shit, fuck, damnit, slingshot, herring, noodle, banana, piece, church and perk. Yes, I do now have a black shirt and grey pants on! *grabs Dung Bug’s gun and joins the choir*

Ratings:

Inane-Man: NO RATING!

Dung Bug: A BIG SMELLY FART! Yes, no shit but a real stench of death! That’s what this “movie” was. Stinking from the beginning to the end! FUCK!

Fits the movie perfectly

And here’s some treats for you, om nom! No videos but here’s IMDb Locos! Enjoy!

Treasure of Tayopa

It says "Raiders of the Treasure of Tayopa"

Greetings and salutations, Dung Bug here with the 4th part of Crap Marathon! Today’s treat for you is… Treasure of Tayopa!

No matter what the name, still a bad movie

Mr. Spock, care to explain the synopsis?

Explorers go into Mexican badlands in search of treasure and gold, dodging traps and whatnot, only to be also hunted by a mad killer who wants to add them to his collection of murders.

Oh yes, action, adventure and horror! All in one package, how could that go wrong?! Easily… So lets get to it!

Interesting start, we see a cockfight and a group around the roosters provoking them. The usual Mexican sport. I just wonder why they’re doing this next to a ruined old hut. *shrugs* Two guys arrive and ask for one of the people to go with them and he does so after gathering up his money.

Now we see a row of asses. Horse’s asses. And our trio walks in to the scene. Our mexican man dances, being happy from winning so much money. Err, the cockfight was still going on so how could he win? *shrugs* Our trio hops on some of the horses and ride on. We hear someone talking a little of the Tayopa’s legend, very little. Then we see a model plane. This start is making no sense to me yet, so I’ll keep on watching.

Here’s how this goes. Plane. Trio riding. Plane. Trio riding. Plane. Trio riding. Switching every 5 seconds or so. Finally our trio stops and we found out from their chatting that it’s their boss arriving on the plane. And forget the model plane, it was a real plane after all. It just looks like a toyplane. Plane lands, the boss steps out, plane leaves, we see our shocked faces of the trio because… the boss is a woman.

Now mexican music plays as they mount the horses again. And here come the credits. … The music is a mariachi playing his guitar and singing about Tayopa in Spanish and English. Great. *rolsl his thumbs while the credits roll*

The credits are over and… here’s our “host/star” who turns to the camera and starts telling a story? ………. *jaw drops open as he watches* He tells us the story of Tayopa. Some priests came to the area in the late 16th century and built Tayopa which was a church community but they also had a mine which made them rich. Later in mid 17th century, the natives made a revolution and all the priests were killed. Tayopa was lost but not forgotten and not found.

Now we see some woman at a grave in a black dress, mourning for the lost one while we hear a country tune playing. The woman hops into her car and drives off. I would too after hearing this. I’m getting another painful flashback here…. *chokes*

The redhead woman drives to her home and walks in the garden, softly touching her necklace with a cross. Awful hairdo on her… She sits down and opens a small chest. She picks out what looks like a silver snake bracelet. Then she narrates. It was her father’s grave she visited and tells us she’s the last of the Delgados. Oh, she’s the woman from the beginning. Right, the scene switches back to her riding with the trio. She tells the snake has a curse the indians put on it since it’s made of the treasure of Tayopa. She’s about to talk more but her speech is edited badly and she starts talking about something else all of a sudden. I’ll tell you how it goes so you’ll know.

Katherine "The Idiot"

Her narrating: “A curse of a snake. The records of the church—– Tom and I had agreed that…” Yeah, that’s how abruptly it’s edited. You can here her starting to say the word “show” since I heard a “sh” before it was cut and next she talks of Tom and her. Failure, anyone? Oh yes. *plants a huge fucking FAIL on the movie* Now I wonder who the fuck is Tom? I guess we’ll meet him soon. She says they had agreed that the trio shouldn’t know they’d be lead by a woman and that she doesn’t like them. Well boohoo, I don’t like your narrating.

*is speechless* They stop at some stream so she can fill her waterpouch and one of the guys, named “Sally” for some reason, makes advances at her, then the editing just goes… berserk. I don’t know what’s going on or how to explain it but things just go… bad. Awful. Horrible. *makes the FAIL mark permanent on the screen*

Anyways, they all sit together, our gayboy Sally is stroking his crossbow and explaining about it. Weirdo! He even talks like a gay guy even though he grabbed Katherine’s ass. He looks gay, acts gay and has a girl’s name. I’ve got nothing against gay guy’s but if he’s not gay, then he’s just fucking annoying. Which he is. So’s Katherine, she can’t act.

Yeah, that's the freak Sally

And seems the oldest guy of the trio is Tom, he tells he brought some guns for protection and Kath wonders what for. The third man of the party, our mexicano, tells he heard a story of a snake that swallows goats in whole roaming the area. Ah, no wonder they brought guns. Tom also explains there are other wild animals so better be sure to be secured.

I want to point out that at this point I went to check IMDb.com for fun and to also make sure I got the names right… this is the only movie these people have acted in. And I don’t blame them, none of them can act.

Some rider with a scar arrives to the scene and our mexicano of the group talks with him. Don’t ask me about what, they’re talking in Spanish and there’s no subs. Tom tells the mexicano, Felipe, to ask the rider about the area. After a nonsense chatting, the riders warns not to go to the mountains, but they’re gonna go there anyway. As the rider rides off, Sally tells the man lots of luck and laughs. Now we see our group mounting their horses and a close up of our rider who says in English “Lotsa lucka toa you too, señores.” Whoa, what a comeback. And nice vanishing scar too, half of it gone from before.

As they ride, Kath narrates again, sounding like the dork she is, talking about her daddy and his expeditions in Mexico. She also narrates of the expedition they are on and she’s boring me to death. As is watching this crap. *yawns* I need an energy drink.

*smacks his lips* With that done, we continue. She keeps narrating while we see them camping and riding, now country music plays. I have to say, this is really boring. I could just let the movie play in the background and write this. *does that* And I’m sure I won’t miss anything important. I’ll watch again once the song stops playing. Boring song too. At least she’s not narrating anymore, she’s dull.

*paints a picture, builds a sculpture, writes a novel* Finally the music stops. Our group is stopped by a rowdy group of bandidos who are lead by the mysterious rider from before. His scar is back again, woot. The bandidos make a lot of noise and annoy Kath who annoys me but soon lets the group pass. Scarface calls for his men and they ride off while our group rides up the mountainside.

And now they’re on the ground again… must’ve been a hill the climbed rather than a mountain. They arrive to a stream again and rest. Kath washes her face but is startled by a rattlesnake. Tom arrives and shoots the snake. What a bastard! Sally pokes fun at Kath about the guns and she agrees they were right about the guns. Then Sally talks to Tom about scarface and his men, wanting to go see if they were bandidos. Sally is the most over-acting guy ever and he looks gay while doing it. Annoying fuck. He takes Felipe along with him and they go away. Thank you!

Tom and Kath sit down to talk about the two. She doesn’t trust the two and Tom explains that it’s not easy to find men for an expedition they’re on. We see a flashback of sorts when Tom talks about Sally, he’s picking up a drunk Sally from a bar in a bordertown. Kath thinks Sally’s sick. No, Sally’s an annoying fuck. That’s what he is. Tom also says Sally’s a great metal detector man. Like metal detectors are that difficult to use…

We see another flashback, a short one with Felipe, Tom explaining he’s a great interpreter, good with metals too, a stableboy… a real handyman then.

Kath goes wayyyy overdramatic about things now, saying she has a feeling that there’s tragedy in the group and it touches them all. Yeah, it’s touching me too. In my ass!

Now we see scarfeces with his three men, talking in horrible English and overacting, telling about our group how he thinks they lied about what they’re really doing there. One of the guys talks just like a stereotypical bandido, with a rusty voice and talks about killing the guys and taking the señorita. Second one says they should kill them all. Third guy says they should take the señorita. I say we should kill this movie with fire.

The scarface doesn’t agree with anyone, not even me, saying they’ll kill no-one, the gringos will kill themselves anyway and they’ll have the señorita that way. The others still argue what to do and scatface throws a bottle of tequila to them and they’re all happy-happy, yay yay!

Sally and Felipe arrive, sneaking around and watching the bandidos. Sally’s mad because they pushed his horse… fucking annoying fuck. Sally means to kill the tequila drinking trio. He loads his peashooter of a pistol and tells Felipe to help kill the bandidos or Sally kills him. Felipe has no choice and pulls out big-ass gun. I would’ve pointed that at Sally and told him to fuck off with his pellet gun, but Felipe’s a pussy.

Sally readies his crossbow and shoots. We see one of our bandidos shouting and falling after he was given the order of “action”. You can see him standing there a split second with the arrow already in his back before he moves and the camera zooms in. *is laughing at this beautiful piece of work* The others grab their guns and start shooting, Sally runs with his machete ready, Felipe shoots the other of the bandidos and we see a slow motion dancing death with slow motion sound. You know, when your voice goes low and sounds funny? That kind of slow motion.

The other bandido is behind a rock, err, tying his shoe? No, loading a gun? I don’t know, doing something, and Sally sneaks up behind him and hacks his back with the machete. The bandido does an over-the-top death scene and falls to the ground and we watch him breathe there while Sally taunts the “dead” guy. Sally goes mad and starts chopping the breathing dead man.

Suddenly we switch to Felipe who is riding, then a nice sunset and now Sally riding fast. And now they’re back at the campsite. Tom asks what happened and Sally tells nothing much happened. Felipe says it was like Sally said it was. Kath asks about Sally’s missing hat and now we see our dead bandidos…

Scarface is in da house, checking out his dead homies. He finds Sally’s hat and calls him a bastardo. Oh yeah, he’s mad now. It’s quite nice that the three dead guys are all in the same place when during the fight they were in three different locations. So nice of Sally and Felipe to put them next to each other, awww… *kicks the DVD* Anyways, scarface rides off to find our group to get revenge.

We slowly switch over to peaceful music and sceneries of a lovely sunrise. At the campsite our heroes are peacefully sleeping. Kath is the first to wake up and she soon wakes the others up as she sees that their horses are gone. Tom finds out that the ropes have been cut and Sally and Felipe look around, since they know who might’ve done it. Tom says that it’s over and they should go back, but Kath says there’s people three days away who used to sell her father horses and there’s a river too. She’s sure they’ll make it. Tom suggests they return to the stream they had camped the day before at and go downstream. Kath isn’t going back. Sally’s with Kath and so is Felipe, so Tom has to go with them too.

Now we here Felipe narrating his thoughts, saying Sally’s crazy and how he feels like they’re cursed… yeah, made no sense to me either.

On top of the hill we see our scarface watching the group.

This is how I felt

They should’ve put warnings at these parts. “Warning! Boredome ahead. Fast forwarding is adviced.” Our group walks on and on while Kath narrates and music plays. The music fits the scene, gives you the feeling that it’s hot all the time and that the walk is tiring. Next Felipe narrates his thoughts and the music changes a little, not fitting anymore, this makes me think of a nice cool pool with a fruit drink in my hand. This movie also makes me think of hanging from a rope…

They keep going on and scarface watches them from the distance. Our group. Scarface. Group. Scarface… *snores*

*wakes up* Oh, they found the river and they’re all happy. Or try to sound like it. They just don’t know how to act…

We see our shitface drinking water and staring at the hot sun, then we watch an eagle flying. Scoreface shakes his head like I am doing, then nicely gives a sip of water to his horse. Then the eagle again. Now scardork is fixing his horse’s shoes.

Now we’re back at our group. Sally and Felipe are almost naked, Tom having his clothes still on, and they’re all swimming in the water. Kath goes behind some bushes to get out of sight as she takes her own clothes off. Turdface walks up on top of a hill and squats down to watch Kath swimming naked in the water. A mariachi plays his guitar while this scene goes on. The boys are still playing in the water. Then it’s back to Kath.

Hola señor, you wanted music?

Scarcreep stands up, looking like he saw something. Sally arrives on the shore, totally naked, which I didn’t want to see, and sits while smiling like the asshole that he is, watching Kath. Sally slides into the water and scarman keeps watching. Kath wonders why he isn’t with the other guys and Sally turns into a real creep. He says that he and Kath are a strong team, poor Kath is scared of Sally. I would be too, his acting is horrible, but so is hers. He goes for her, saying he wants her, but Tom arrives, shooting his gun in the air and Sally swims back to shore. Tom points the gun at him and warns him.

Now we see them all clothed up again and they continue their walk, Kath narrating her thoughts of what just happened. We see our scarface standing on top of the hill, still watching them. As soon as they’re gone, he comes down to fill his flask.

Some guy’s face appears on the screen and then we see our group arriving to him. Seems he’s a ranch owner with horses. Kath talks to him in Spanish about her father and the owner seems to remember him so he’s happy to sell them horses. They get their horses and Kath announces that Tayopa is beyond a mountain they see and they’re off.

Get your own horse today!

*yawns and stretches* Riding. Riding. Riding. Now scarfuck arrives to the man and talks about his horse. We zoom in on the scar’s face and… uh-huh, the scar has moved a little this time. *facepalms*

Our group rides and Kath narrates. Dung Bug is bored. Scarface rides. Dung Bug yawns. Shots of streams, Kath narrating. They’ve arrived at her father’s old campsite which is an old wooden shack in the middle of… nowhere. Kath tells the guys about the area. Now they get to work with Sally’s super-duper metal detector! It’s… just… a metal… detector. Anyone could use a thing like that. Tom and Sally go with the detector to some hills, Kath and Felipe go around checking the mineshafts.

Now the song from the beginning place while we watch the guys carrying huge logs and Kath narrates about the years passed destroying some key locations. She explains that somewhere there is all the 17 tons of treasure. … 17 tons?… *facepalms and cries*

She goes on narrating about what they’ve been doing while we watch scenes of them working.

*wakes up* Oh, now scarface rides. And rides. And rides.

Now it’s Sally who’s walking around and he finds a mineshaft. There’s a human skull poking out of the ground. He starts doing a crazy monologue which doesn’t interest me at all, I hate his “acting”. He finds some gold coins then rushes off to find Kath. He shows her the coins and she gets excited that he found the treasure.

Suddenly Sally gets all jealous as she was washing Tom’s shirt. He’s going mad with lust and delirium. He goes on about taming Kath then taking her and pushes her into the water while holding his belt and chuckling madly. She gets to the shore and Sally rips her shirt open then smacks with his belt and we see ketchup on Kath’s back. She screams and he smacks her again. More ketchup. Third smack. Third line of ketchup. At least it’s shaped like he did hit with his belt.

How do you like your splashes?

Now he turns her over which is an ouch. Open wounds pressed against sand? Yeesh. He continues to rip the rest of her shirt off while sitting on top of her but then he notices the snake bracelet on her arm. He takes it off and tells her that now he’s not cursed since he has the bracelet. He starts kissing her hand and arm, but then Tom calls for her in the distance, interrupting Sally’s moment of romance. Sally pushes Kath’s head underwater then leaves to get his crossbow.

We watch Kath crawling in the mud with her ketchup smeared on her back. Tom is calling for her and Felipe arrives. Tom tells him to stay while he goes check downstream. Sally arrives then shoots Tom on the lower back. We hear Tom, err, dying, although his acting is awful, he sounds like he was strangled. And he’s dead. From an arrow to the lower back… right…

Anyways, Felipe sees this and turns around with his gun but Sally’s already pointing his peashooter at Felipe. Sally tells him orders and off they go.

Now it’s scarface again, riding somewhere. Back to Sally and Felipe. Sally goes on how Kath and Tom are dead, resting his head on Felipe’s shoulder. He’s gone totally nuts now. He tells Felipe that he’s going to let him go free. Felipe runs off but Sally shoots him in the back then we see Felipe laying on the ground face first. Darn, I wanted to see a death scene. We only got Felipe laying on the ground with a red mark on his shirt. Sally talks to the bracelet and we hear a storm in the distance, Sally taunts the gods.

Next we see Kath waking up. She still has the ketchup on her back but now it isn’t smeared but they’re in the wrong places. She starts walking like she was totally beaten up when she wasn’t at all… and somehow she’s lost her bra.

Sally’s back at the mineshaft he found, collecting more coins he finds and kissing the bracelet and laughing like a madman.

Kath wanders onwards, the marks on her back now looking like whipmarks and her shirt is miraculously fixed. *facepalms* She wanders to where Sally is and watches from a distance. She sneaks around the bushes, looking mad. She sneaks up on Sally, lifts a heavy rock up, Sally sees her and… we see a very bloody rock with some hair on it. Ouch. Kath picks up the bracelet for herself again.

Ah, there you are, scarman! I was missing you. He’s checking out his gun. Now he rides. He arrives to find Felipe and Tom. Then he parks his horse next to the group’s horses and explores the area with his gun in his hand. He finds Sally lying on his face and turns him around. Sally has a huge expression of… err… shock? Happiness? I don’t know, suckiness? Anyways, scaryface holsters his gun, wondering what the heck happened.

The sun shines, looking hot, and Kath is lying on the ground. She looks up and we see the sun. She looks up again and we see the sun. She slowly gets up and starts walking, but she doesn’t get far as she slumps to the ground again then starts dragging herself onwards. We hear a rattlesnake and she looks up. She looks at the knife in her hand, puts it down then grabs a huge rock. She throws the rock then cuts the snake to finish it off. She picks up the snake, starts gutting it, then eating it… man, she’s gone berserks too.

After eating some, she gets up, leaving the knife behind, and walks on. She goes on and on, starting to whine how she wants water. I’m whining how I want this shit to end.

She sees a pair of feet and panics that it’s Sally, but as we look up, it’s a monk with a flask of water. Sally faints and the monk goes on to help her drink.

Now we see our host again, talking about the legend of Tayopa while holding the snake bracelet in his hands.

And thus the movie ends. FINALLY!

Okay, what should I say… hmmm… BORING SHIT PIECE OF CRAP!!!!!

That’s all. Boring, confusing, awful acting, terrible music, bad story… it was just awful. So I can only give it two things. First… *gives the movie the finger* And second… A PILE OF DUNG! *drowns the movie in shit*

So that was that. Tune in tomorrow for more! Sorry, didn’t find videos. Which is good. I wouldn’t want to torture you with any pieces of this crap…

Unsane (Tenebrae)

AKA Unsane. I prefer Tenebrae, really...

Hello all you little beetles and beetlettes! Here I am! *headbangs* Rock you like a hurricane! *cough* Right, Dung Bug is back again, bored as hell, so it’s time for part three of the Crap Marathon!

Today we have… Unsane! … what the hell is that even supposed to mean? Not sane but not insane either, so… mindless freak? Your guess is as good as mine, that’s the title of it. Before we get to reviewing.. yeah, you know it. Synopsis time!

An American writer goes to Rome to get details for his latest work, but soon is dragged into a murder investigation. A psycho is going around killing people the way people die in the author’s books and most of the people killed are those close to the author. With the help of an inspector, the writer goes to unsolve the mystery of the mad killer before more murders can occur.

Sounds like your typical murder mystery. Nice twist on the killer though, killing people the way in the books. He must have a grudge against the writer, but I’m getting ahead of myself. At least it’s not a killing script!! Anyways, let’s watch the movie and see what it’s all about!

Unsane! In red color letters with a crack going through them in the middle. Ooooh, scary. … and a mistake from the company who made these DVD’s. On the cover it says this was made in 1982, but in the movie, under the title it says , and I quote: “©1984 A Bedford Entertainment Film Gallery Release”. R rated too. Yeah, another fuck-up by the company making these DVD’s. Just like with the Creeper/Rituals/Whatev.

Moving on!

Okay, it starts off with credits rolling while we watch a book burning in a bonfire and someone is reading something to us, could be the new book, but damn is this quiet. I really have to turn up the volume and put on headphones so I can hear anything. And this is an Italian film. The credits are in Italian and those certainly are Italian names, but there are American names in there, so this is an Italo-American movie. Those are always clas—-

John Saxon. Oh yeah.

*gasp* John Saxon!!!! John Saxon! OMG! It’s John Saxon in this! If you don’t know who he is, shame on you! Watch more crappy movies! Or go check him out at IMDb.com, great source for movie info.

The music is some 80′s type “suspense” music. Stupid beat with a jammin’ electric guitar, a synthesizer beeping tunes and a groovy bass. Gotta love that music. *grooves to the music* Ah, musica: Simonetti Pignatelli Morante. *applauds*

And regia di (directed by)… Dario Argento? Sounds familiar. *checks* Ooh, I’ve seen his Phantom of the Opera. That was one weird and brutal movie. So I might see tits and gore, but a crappy script. Oh joy.

Then again I’m getting ahead of myself once more. Now to watch this thing.

Casio. For all your music needs.

After the credits end, with a crappy edited fade out to a few seconds silence, my ears get blown out as the scene switches to a person cycling on a bridge, but the music is what blew my ears. Heavy bass drum, bongos, some horror-type Casio tune and a grinding guitar. The sound hit my ears hard since I’m wearing headphones and came without warning. *shoots the composer* So much for the applause! *shoots the editor too* The scene switches to a close-up of the man on the bicycle, but now he’s in the middle of a street and the music cuts off with a knife! No more of this! Pleeeeeease! I had enough of that with Creeper!

This editing is horrible! So in one minute we watch a guy cycling on a bridge, cut off to him on the street (with the music stopping), then we cut to show it’s only 1/4 of a mile to Kennedy Airport and a second later we’re at the airport watching him arrive there. Apparently our main guy, Mr. Neal I think it was, had been cycling behind his servant’s limo as he stops behind the car, rests his bicycle next to it then says bye to the driver.

Next we see 2 seconds of the busy airport, then cut to Mr Neal in the bathroom changing his clothes, then back to the airport where he’s walking around to find his flight, but he gets a call to go to the information desk. Aha, his name is Peter Neal. So I can call him Pete. So the desk clerk tells him there’s a phone call and our Idiot, I mean Pete, leaves his bag on the floor. He goes to the phone, apparently some woman, maybe his girlfriend, calling to him why he hasn’t been calling him or seeing her. How could she know he’s there if she and him… nevermind. He hangs up and (enter sarcasm) OOOPS! His bag is gone. How about that? (end sarcasm) Asshole.

There had been a woman looking at his bag and she knocks on a telephone booth where another woman in a big furcoat had been in. Pete finds his bag after all and the woman looks at him with a gaze of… surprise? Sorrow? Hope? I don’t know. She puts sunglasses on afterwards and then we see Pete carrying the bag with him towards the plane. We then watch the two ladies gazing out the window, apparently watching Pete’s flight leave, while the other woman picks out the weirdest looking cigarette case I’ve seen, also a long cigarette. I guess she’s not worried about lung cancer. The one with the furcoat and sunglasses shows a little smile. I think it’s an evil smile, but I can’t really tell. She looks more like a retard.

Next we’re in Rome and seems Peter’s latest book is on sale. Tenebrae is the title. Hey, that’s the book that was burnt during the title credits. Interesting. Anyway, some guy looks at a girl through the window and the girl seems to get the message. She goes to look at the books, picking up two of them and sliding the other inconspicuously into her bag. Nice move, lady. Well, apparently the shop’s guard was awake and she catches her and wants to see in the bag. The book falls out as he grabs her bag then asks if she has the receipt. She tells she was going to pay for it and he says “you told me you don’t have the book.” She never even said anything about a book! The script is weak… and her acting is horrible. She sounds more Russian than Italian with that awful accent. Well, he drags her ass into his office, apparently she has shoplifted in there before, Elsa Manning, 12 convictions. Elsa starts to flirt with him in an attempt to get out clean and it seems to work as she gives him her address and he just lets her go. Horny old bastard…

She finds a guy on the street on a bike and gets a lift. Next we move to Pete who’s still in air, 5 hours to go to Rome. Then we cut back to Elsa who’s walking along the street when suddenly some creepy hobo grabs her through a fence. Not an iron fence, just a wooden fence like around construction sites only this has loose boards. He comes through the doorway then grabs her again while chuckling to himself. She manages to get loose, turns around and bam! Bam! Two kicks straight on the nads. He falls between two garbage cans where he belongs. Nice going Elsa, although you need acting lessons. Seriously.

She gets to her home gate but doesn’t get the right key right away and the hobo comes after her again, shouting he’ll kill her, but she manages to get the gate open then slams the gate not once, but twice on the guy’s fingers. Ouch. That was a heavy iron gate too.

Now she’s safely home, still a little shook up after that incident. She starts to get comfortable while creepy sounding music plays as she moves to the bathroom. She thinks she hears something then goes to the phone, but the phone is dead. The hobo appears at the window and she gets startled then grabbed from behind by a black gloved hand! And cheesy music plays… Nothing ruins a moment more than a 80′s crappy beat with a groovy bass. This is supposed to be a horrifying scene, not a dance scene! Anyways, she acts horribly while a razor is held against her neck and pages from the book are stuffed into her mouth. When the killer has stuffed enough of them, we hear a cheesy sound effect *swifsh!* and her throat is cut. She lies on the floor while the roll of pages fall bloodied out of her mouth and the killer takes photos of her.

Next Pete arrives at Rome with a bunch of reporters and such meeting with him. Seems he knows the prettiest one of them as he gives her a kiss on the cheek and is happy to see her. After this brief scene we see a brief scene of the killer sliding an envelope under the door to Pete’s hotel room. Then we’re at some lounge with Pete being interviewed about his success, three books in two years, that is quite the achievement. The woman from the airport verbally attacks Peter calling Tenebrae a sexist book, with all victims being women and men being hairy machos with their bullshit. And John Saxon! I had to say that since I saw him in the background. John Saxon is Pete’s agent, cool. He cools things down and gives the lady reporter his card to set up a meeting for a private interview later. Then we suddenly cut to outside with John and Pete talking together. Man this editing is bad.

And next we cut to the airport. More bad cuts… anyway, John and Peter meet with two persons, I think these are the two who will take care of Pete’s stay at Rome. The woman, Anne, Pete knows, but the young man is someone new John has brought along, the young man’s name is Johnny, so now on when John Saxon is on screen, I’ll call him Saxon, to avoid confusion. Pete says he has a present for Anne and goes to open his bag and… all his clothes are covered in ink and the present, a nice wrist watch, is demolished. Seems the ladies at the airport hated Pete.

They arrive at Pete’s hotel room or an apartment and there’s a police man, captain Germani from the Rome homicide squad, meeting up with them with his partner, inspector lady Altieri. He tells a girl was killed only 5 hours ago and wondered if Pete knew her, but this is the first visit in Rome for him. They came to him because of his book from the crime scene to see if there’s any connection. They talk a while about the incident then the captain presents Pete with the envelope they found. The cops had come in since the door was open. Inside the envelope is a piece of paper with newspaper clips to write a passage from Pete’s book. Seems Pete knows Italian since he reads it although everyone’s speaking English. And since when do cops drink while on duty? Apparently this captain does…

Suddenly the phone rings and Anne picks it up, but there’s nothing. The phone rings again and Pete picks it up after he showed the cops his bag and there’s a whispering voice threatening Pete. From the sound of it it’s a woman’s voice. He signals to the cops about the phone call and Germani picks up the other phone to listen to it. The whisperer reveals she can see Pete at the window and they see a phone booth on the street. Germani pulls out his gun then runs towards the elevator. Why pull out his gun now? Instinct I guess. That or bad script. … I choose the latter.

When Pete mentions the dead girl, the whisperer gets angry that he knows then hangs up. Next we are shown Germani running outside and again the cheesy 80′s music plays with it’s upbeat tune. Germani finds the booth empty and signals Altieri to go to the other while he goes the other. He has a nice big revolver while she cocks her semi-auto handgun. Yeah, she’s packing heat.

She arrives to the middle of the street, don’t know why there, with her gun out. A civilian sees her while driving and he drives off the street. Nice police work, bitch. She doesn’t even go to see how he’s doing, she just runs off. Germani gives a few harsh words to Altieri who gives him a snappy comeback.

Then we see a shadow on a wall while someone wails… ookay… two.. pills on a table and a big glass jar… Some weird music plays and we see a woman looking alluringly at a group of four men. She walks out to a beach then shows her breasts to the guys who then walk up to her as she’s on her knees. She rubs their legs and looks really horny at them. Damn, did this turn into a softcore porn movie suddenly? She looks at them all while rubbing their legs. She wants some meat, badly, but one of the guys slaps her in the face then runs off. The other dudes catch the slapper and hold him down and she walks up to him then kicks him in the ribs then shoves her high-heel into his mouth. Owww! Next we cut back to the shadow on the wall. Apparently that was a flashback of our shadow’s past.

I think this is how the editing was done

Next we cut (god damn this editing!) to some bar where our female feminist reporter is and some guys are playing arcade games and our rude reporter gets another girl’s attention. Seems this is some whore who is also an informant or something to our reporter. She gives the reporter a kiss on the lips then goes after the guys when they’re finished with their games.

Next we see Pete and Anne arriving at his place after a long day, apparently they were at a horrible restaurant during the meeting, and he asks her to stay for a night cap and she agrees. Then it’s back to our reporter woman who arrives at her place and the whore is there too, only wearing a shirt wrapped around herself with one breast showing. That’s a nice boob. Our reporter isn’t happy to see her there though. She throws a glass pitcher at the whore then goes into her office room but hears a strange noise. She checks the window but there’s nothing there. Then the camera moves outside, painfully slow, from her window to upstairs, then sideways along the wall… nice wall… *yawns* The music isn’t saving anything here, only making this part crappier… Finally it finds the window and we see our hooker lady in her room. Then the music jumps a little as the scene is apparently cut. Maybe the DVD makers didn’t want us to see too much of her. We see more walls and some windows and we see blinds on some window being ripped or something… Our reporter is mad since the music is playing too loud. Sheesh, no-one could listen to this shit. Not even me. And our reporter’s acting sucks.

Soon we hear someone whispering something. Our reporter doesn’t pay much attention to it as she looks dead tired and tries to put on a shirt but she’s suddenly grabbed, her shirt gets a new hole then her face gets blood on it. She slams her hand against the glass wall and slowly slides it down while making Arnold Schwarzenegger styled death noises. Yeah, that bad. At the last moment she slams her hand down and knocks down a pitcher. I’m actually glad she’s dead since her acting was horrible.

Oh noes teh pr0nz! Big boobies!

Our hooker hears the noise upstairs while she was drying her hair with a towel. She stops the record and wonders what it was while the towel around her barely covers her left breast. I think she likes that one more since it’s the one she’s shown to us more. Or rather to me since you haven’t seen it. It’s surprising though that she only heard the crash but not the scream the reporter let out before her throat was cut. Anyways, there’s a thud and she goes to check things out. Now the towel is almost totally off her breasts. She does have a nice pair that jiggle really nicely as she walks, but I didn’t come to watch porn. I thought this was a slasher movie. Then again, Argento, the director/writer, is known of the nude scenes and gore in his movies.

Moving on! Tits out of my mind and back to the gore. Our killer breaks off a light, apparently this light lit up the whole house or something since things go dark, and our hooker is startled. She sees the reflection of the dead reporter and freaks out, running back towards her room, but at the stairs the killer slashes her head then cuts her throat, as she falls her head goes through one of the glass panes along the staircase. That must’ve hurt since that looked like real glass. I wonder if she was really cut… Well, anyways, they’re both killed. No more tits for me. And again our killer takes photos.

Next we’re in some kind of a photo room, seeing the pictures of the dead girls and film hanging up to dry, then a running faucet. The bloodied razor blade appears under the water as our killer washes off the fresh blood from it.

Now we are at the hotel’s desk where Pete is staying at. He calls to the desk about his water not heated, heater must not be on, and the manager tells his lovely daughter Maria to go fix it after he gives her 5000 liras. She goes up there and does the job while Pete looks like a horny old bastard. I would too since she’s a knockout. As she leaves after turning the heater on and showing Pete where it is, Anne comes in just as Pete opens the door for Maria. Anne begins right away jabbing at Pete of his womanizing ways but he defends himself but fails. He was innocent this time after all.

We’re shown the elevator arrows as it just arrives at Pete’s floor but we’re not shown who’s walking, the camera only follows the sound but shows us the wall and ceiling before panning down to the door and showing a hand sliding an envelope under the door. Then the manager tells two fixers about something being near the elevator and soon they arrive at the same floor. Our killer quickly hides behind a door and watches the repairmen while the envelope in Pete’s place goes unnoticed and creepy weird music plays. Soon Pete notices the envelope on the floor and asks Anne where it came from and she doesn’t know but it wasn’t there a few minutes ago. Pete hurriedly goes out to the corridor then is outside the hotel while exciting 80′s music plays. Almost like watching an episode of Miami Vice. Anne is right behind him as they arrive on the street, but there’s no-one around. Pete opens the envelope and there’s again a piece of paper, this time a phrase in Latin. “Sic transit gloria lesbi.” So passes the glory of lesbos. Seems Pete is quite the linguist too. He knows Italian and Latin. Impressive. It’s not a passing from his book, but he suspects the killer has struck again and is well studied due to the knowledge of Latin.

Now we’re at the morgue where Germani visits the coroner. He tells Germani that the women were killed by the same razor as the other woman… six weeks ago. The killer sure takes their time between kills. Germani calls Pete and tells who’s dead. He sure is shocked of the news.

And now we cut to Pete and Saxon waiting for someone at somewhere. The person arrives, some TV reporter having a primilinary interview with Pete, asking questions about the book, really weird ones, like how the girls are all deviant in the book which Pete doesn’t mean at all and the killer targets them because of corruption while Pete says the killer is just insane. The actor acting the interviewer is… how should I put it… OVER-ACTOR! Yeah, that should sum it up. Then they go to do the show while Saxon stays behind. Germani and Altieri arrive at the scene too, but Saxon takes them away to speak in private.

They talk a little, with Altieri acting badly, then we suddenly cut outside where Germani is talking to Pete how he has read all his books and never could guess the killer although he’s a detective. Ha ha ha. That was funny. Ho ho ho.

Now Pete and Anne are in Pete’s place, having coffee and wondering who the killer could be and wishing he never had written the book. Maria arrives with a typewriter but Pete already has one.

Her eyes might as well be scopes...

Johnny, being a horny young man, asks to go with Maria and they go off. Meanwhile Pete looks out his window and sees someone driving and recognizes the woman as Jane McCarrol. Quite the eagle eye he has as he must be, judging from the scenery, at least on the 7th-10th floor… I wouldn’t recognize anyone from that height, least from inside a car, but we did see Jane and she looked exactly like the furcoat sunglassed woman from the airport in the beginning. How could I know? She was wearing sunglasses and a white coat. (the furcoat was white) Seems she’s some insane old floozy of Pete’s as Anne mentions Jane doesn’t go far from her shrink. Pete makes a phone call, I guess to Jane, to New York and we get a taped message. Hmmm…

Pete wonders if Jane had destroyed the contents of his travel bag with the ink and stuff, but Anne doesn’t give a shit. She leaves and watches as Johnny and Maria drive off on a bike. Anne goes to the parking lot and here’s a loud bang as some man dropped a can on the floor. He laughs at her and she gets into her car. She drives on, makes a stop to look at Pete who’s at the window thinking, then drives off.

Next we see the killer’s gloved hands, going through files and finding one. It’s a file about some prostitute. He (or she, I’ll call the killer a he) grabs it, we see flashes of a some corridors, he turns off a light, enters a pool area, shuts the door then we see the keys dangling from the keyhole.

Now we see the prostitute with others on the street, looking for a score. The killer arrives there and gets out of his car, but then we see the keys again, the killer realizing he forgot the keys. The prostitute gets into a car, the killer missing his opportunity to snag her.

Now it’s Maria and Johnny. Maria is shouting at him for some reason and he doesn’t respond. She gets off and he drives off. Now she’s all alone in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere in her yellow shirt and pink short skirt. A guard dog scares her, barking from the other side of a fence. She bashes the fence with a stick to try and shoo the dog away then does the smarter thing: she walks away, but the dog is mad and manages somehow to climb over the 9-feet tall fence then chases after the panicky Maria. She jumps over some park fence, as does the dog, and soon the dog snatches her skirt, bringing her down to the ground. She gets bitten on the leg and arm, then the dog backs up, looking all normal, she finds a stick and bashes the dog when it leapt at her and she makes her escape.

I’d like to add here a question before we continue. What the fuck has this got to do with anything?!

Okay, moving on. She finds another fence and climbs it. Soon the dog comes, finds her scent and hops over the fence. Next Maria enters a new area. Uh-oh, it’s the pool area where the killer was. She’s banging on doors then arrives to the door the killer had left his keys to and the dog attacks her again. She manages to fight off the dog and get inside. She’s calling for help, but no-one’s there. She looks around while the dog is outside the windowed wall, trying to find a way in. She stumbles upon the killers trophies: paper clippings of the murders and his photographs. This is where her acting gets really awful.

After all her crappy panicked acting, she snaps out of it and grabs some papers and photos, thinking they must be important stuff. She stuffs them all into her little skirt’s pockets. As she leaves the scenes are cut from one to another, with the music constantly changing. Urgh, this editing is far more worse than in The Creeper Rituals of My Ass(tm). Anyway, she seems to have gone upstairs the place and finds a phone, but… in the shadows we see a figure. She turns around and sees the figure too. She tries to ask for help but our killer goes “Spy…. damn little spy…” And goes after her with the razor blade. She runs outside, just in time to manage to slam the sliding door onto the killer’s arm so he drops the blade, but then grabs what looks like a piece of wood, like a rod. She runs off scared with the killer right behind her.

We see the chase from the killer’s point of view, which is actually a nice touch. She stumbles around, things falling out of her pockets. She even throws some of the stuff at the killer, but he keeps on coming. She tries to climb a fence, but the damn thing breaks on her. Our killer raises the wooden stick, which actually is an axe! She screams and he starts chopping her torso up. We don’t see the hits, but we see blood.

Next we see someone mowing the lawn with all the stuff Maria had grabbed with her getting mowed too. The lawnmower stops at the severed limbs of Maria.

Pete is with Germani, our detective opening carefully a letter from the killer. He reads it to Pete, the killer saying he’ll kill the corrupted and soon the corrupter himself. Pete knows the killer means him. Germani tells Pete to be careful since the killer seems to know much about Pete and tells Pete to stay in his apartment for now.

At his place Pete, Anne and Johnny are trying to figure out who the hell the killer could be. Pete gets an idea of the weird TV reporter, Berti, who asked all those questions about the book, and checks where he lives. Berti lives three blocks away from the hotel and Maria’s body was found nearby. Peter now has the hunch that Berti could be responsible for all this due to what he said to Pete before the interview they had. Peter also gets a little excited about the idea what if he was right and solves the mystery. Yeah, right. Egomaniac.

Now Johnny and Pete are in a car, we see cops have pulled over lots of people and are frisking them. I guess they’ve put up raid points to frisk people. As if the killer is that stupid…

Next we see Anne watching the news, a reporter telling of the recent events. Seems it’s all public now, the letters, Maria’s death and all that jazz. The reporter makes a really stupid joke about the letter mentioning “the great corruptor”. *rolls eyes* Hyuk hyuk indeed. Even Anne thinks the joke is horrible, turns the TV off and goes out. She’s about to get into her car when she sees another car across the street and a woman standing next to it. She recognizes that it’s Jane and calls for her, but Jane quickly gets into the car and drives off. Anne goes back inside the hotel and calls Jane’s number but only gets the answering machine. She leaves and now we see darkness with organ music playing… *counts* 15 seconds of darkness and now I see that we’re panning the dark hotel room. We get to a glass sculpture that looks sharp, light shines on the top and…

We cut to Johnny climbing a fence. Right. Fuck it, I’m not even going to rant about the editing anymore. It’s just horrible. Anyways, Pete climbs right after him. Seems they’re sneaking into Berti’s place. I can see that it’s the place where Maria ended up and got killed. Now we see our killer’s hands now, breaking up his razorblade and burning all the documents and pictures. Back to Pete and Johnny. They’re hiding behind a corner, on a steak-out, Johnny saying it’s boring, but Pete tries to cheer the boy up. A light turns on in the second floor and the guys hide better, thinking Berti might’ve seen them. A few seconds later light goes out then lights turn on downstairs and we see a shadow. Fast mover that guy. Anyways, he’s carrying something, can’t tell what, and when he walks out of the silhouette, the lights turn off… this guy sure likes to walk in shadows.

Berti is now in his huge living room, staring out the glass walls. Yes, all is glass. I wouldn’t live in a house like that. You never know who might see you and you’d be naked or doing something else… no privacy at all. Anyways, he’s carrying a stack of papers it seems, Johnny decides to go around the back. Pete keeps an eye on Berti who soon walks out of sight. Johnny walks to the back and watches Berti who reads the papers. Suddenly the lights go out, Berti turns to see what’s happening, then we hear the killer’s voice and he chops an axe into Berti’s skull while Johnny witnesses this all happening. Berti sure screams a lot after getting an axe to the head. Which wobbles a lot I might add. Anyway, Berti pulls the axe out then falls dead to the floor. Johnny’s all shocked at the sight although his acting sucks ass.

Something is thrown through the glass and it makes Johnny to haul ass. He runs to Pete and finds him lying on the ground, his head hit with a rock. We get nice close-ups of Pete’s bloody head and the bloodied stone. That’s a lot of blood on the stone, if that were real life, Pete’d be dead too… but didn’t the killer want Pete dead? Oh right, first the corrupted, then the corrupter. Check.

Pete’s an idiot, I have to say. “Something must’ve hit me.” Noooo, I get random skullcracks all the time from nowhere. Dumbass.

Pete asks Johnny about the killer, but Johnny didn’t see anything but the axe, but he heard the killer say that Berti knew the killer as the man did say in his hissing voice: “It was me, I killed them all!”

They arrive back at the hotel and clean up, Anne being worried about them both but Pete reassures her that they’re fine. Anne asks Pete if they should go back to New York, but Pete says that she should stay with him in the hotel room and she agrees.

And we cut to Johnny who’s driving his car… *snaps a steel bar in half* He keeps seeing flashbacks of Berti dying and is crying, still in shock. And now we’re back in the hotel room. *sighs* Anne is amazed that she and Pete have known each other for 6 years but never stayed in the same room together.

And… err… now we… see an eye? And now weird music plays and we see some woman with a guy while the POV is from someone behind a bush watching them. Wait I know this music. It’s the killer’s flashback music. So it’s another random flashback. Our woman see the camera (heehee) in the bush and our man steps out in the open. She looks at him like “WTF?” and he brings out a knife and stabs her. We see the eye again and the film fades out. THE END???

No, back at the hotel room. Anne’s sleeping on the sofa. Oh, what a gentleman that Pete. She wakes up then looks all shocked and calls for Pete. Seems he’s gone… err… he could’ve been in the bathroom? Apparently the sound of a car made her realize that Pete’s going somewhere without her… Yeah, makes no sense to me either, people.

Now we see our hero Pete, he arrives at his agent’s (John Saxon woot woot) office. Pete comes to say that he thinks of going to Paris or somewhere to get out of getting killed, but Saxon panics, since they’re two days away from making a deal and Pete points out that his life is danger. Saxon suggests he gets Pete a nice private suite at some other location in Rome, only Pete and Saxon would know about it so Pete would be safe until the publishing deal is done. Pete gets up and leaves, telling Saxon he’ll call later after thinking about it.

Saxon tells his secretary no more calls today, then he gets up and walks to a door, opens it and… Jane walks in. Then they kiss. Curiouser and curiouser. Saxon’s sure Pete doesn’t know about them then they agree to meet for lunch later.

Now we’re in the car with Pete and Johhny. They’re headed back to Berti’s place. Johnny goes on about what happened to Berti. He gets the flashbacks again and goes through a busy intersection. Pete’s all cool about it though, startled at first then looking happy that they got lucky not crashing the car. Pete goes to the house after sending Johnny just driving around. Pete meets with Germani inside the house talking about the murder. Germani mentions the envelope but Pete hasn’t recieved one yet. Germani shows Pete the files that Berti was reading, they’re all about Pete, his riding career and his personal file. They talk about the whole case and they’re both as clueless of who the killer. Pete, being a writer, theorizes stuff of what the killer could be, quoting lines from other books.

After they leave the scene, we focus onto Jane who is arriving at her appartment. She finds a package in front of her door with a note that say “For you Jane” in Italian. Some out-of-place music plays as she opens the box and finds red high-heel shoes in it. I saw those shoes in the killer’s last flashback. Hmmm…

Now we see a street. POV camera, staring at it as our person walks, seeing people’s feet. I guess it’s our killer as he walks into a bar and gets a glass of water. Without ordering it. And we see two pills. Must be our killer.

Then we switch to Saxon. Seems he’s waiting for Jane outside. He watches as a couple argues between themselves, then he turns and smiles, seeing someone familiar. We don’t see the person, but we do see a knife that stabs three times into Saxon’s belly. He falls down, grabs some lady’s skirt who screams as she sees him. Quite a bold killer, killing Saxon in broad daylight in the middle of a busy opening. Next we see red shoes. I guess it’s Jane, but we only see her feet. The feet stop behind some people, we see Saxon, then the feet walk away from the scene. All the time weird music has played.

And the music stops like a knife again as we switch scene. *prepares a rocket launcher* We see Pete packing stuff and Anne talking to him. She’s checking that he has all his important things with him. There’s a phone call from Germani, checking that Pete is safe. Johnny arrives to the hotel room and Pete says that Saxon would be driving to the airport, no need for Johnny. Johnny’s going to go to Berti’s house again to get his memory fixed. And there’s blah blah, Pete’s going to leave Rome anyway. As he planned. They leave the room and we see 10 seconds of a plane taking off.

Then we switch to Johnny who arrives at Berti’s house. *prepares his flamethrower* We see a flash of light and thunder cracks at the same time (classic movie mistake) as Johnny approaches the fence. Johnny gets over the fence then we see our killer’s gloved hand taking the keys out of Johnny’s car’s ignition. Uh-oh. Johnny approaches the house, making sure there’s no more cops around. He gets a flashback when he arrives at the murder scene and realizes it was Berti who said “I killed them all!” Now he wonders who it was that killed Berti then.

Now it starts to rain. Or rather water is poured from a drought onto tiles to represent water. *prepares a nuclear bomb* Johnny hops over the fence again then he goes towards his car. He gets inside and oops, no keys. He looks for them but can’t find them. Suddenly a wire goes around his neck and he’s being strangled while stupid Casio music is being played. Johnny turns his head and sees the killer then dies. Our killer goes to the yard to find his axe he had hidden away.

Anne is in the hotel room, finishing up packing her stuff. The phone rings and it’s Jane calling. Jane is all sorry about how she has behaved and wants to meet Anne. She agrees to meet Jane at her place. In the police station Germani gets a call too, I guess about Johnny’s murder since he sets up to leave, saying to Altieri that the killer has struck again. Next we see Jane’s shoes again, walking back and forth. She has a gun in her hand, looking scared. We see Altieri questioning some spanish lady, then it’s back to Jane who is sitting. She hears a noise and wonders if it’s Anne, then a window bangs open due to the stormy wind outside. Jane gets startled but calms down quickly but is ready with her gun.

Anne is driving towards Jane’s place. Back at Jane, she’s sitting at the table, but an axe comes bursting through the window and hacks her arm. Then hacks her chest. Then just hacks her. She’s a bloody mess.

Now it’s the eye again and the previous flashback. This time after stabbing the red-shoed lady, he takes the shoes. So I guess they were those shoes that Jane was wearing. The eye, the fade…

We hear a car arriving. The killer turns off the lights. The person, a lady, opens the door and gets the axe in her neck. She screams and falls down. Now we see our killer’s legs and the camera pans upwards and… it’s Pete! He’s shocked when he notices it was Anne he just chopped up. Germani suddenly arrives and Pete looks at him, but then Anne walks in. Apparently it wasn’t Anne that he killed. It was Altieri.

Germani quotes Sherlock Holmes and Pete says that he didn’t kill the other women, it was Berti who did it, Pete just killed the rest. Pete goes mad, starts laughing, saying it all went like writing a book. Germani says that Pete had found out that Altieri had an affair with Jane, that’s why Pete wanted to kill them, using Berti as a cover. Or something. Anyways, Germani tells Pete to get up, but doesn’t notice that Pete has something in his hand. Soon after Pete cuts his own throat with a razorblade he had. Anne screams her head off while we see Pete doing an awful facial expression then dies.

Anne and Germani leave and go into his car. He calls the station while Anne tries to act sad and crying. Germani tells Anne that he found out that in his youth, Pete had lost someone he loved tragically and it had left a mark on him. Ze flashbacks? Yah. That girl. Peter was suspected of the murder but never convicted. Anne breaks down and cries. Germani tells it’s over now then goes back into the house while Anne waits in the car.

As he arrives inside… *gasp* Pete’s body is gone. He examines the pool of blood and the razorblade. The whole thing is a fake, push a button and fake blood spurts out. We look at Germani as he stands there and he sees a hankerchief on the floor. As he stoops down, Pete is standing right behind him. Germani stands up, covering Pete from the view. Nice touch. Germani takes a few steps and *swing* Axe to the back.

Meanwhile outside in the heavy rain while inside a car, Anne happens to hear the commotion. *facepalms* As if. Anyways. She gets out, we see Germani doing his death scene, then Anne arrives. Pete waits with his axe ready while funky action music plays. She can’t get the door open since Germani knocked over some weird spiky sculpture down and it’s blocking the door. Pete runs towards the door and Anne pushes the door open, the sculpture knocks back and spears through Pete, nailing him to the wall. Anne screams, Pete groans and soon dies. Anne keeps screaming and the movie ends. End credits roll and a crappy song plays.

So. Okay.

It wasn’t a totally awful movie, but it had it’s bad points.

1) The music. Horrible Casio produced diarrhea. You’ll hear it in the trailer…

2) The editing. Need I say more?

3) The acting. Germani was good, Saxon was good, Pete was alright, the others? Blergh.

All in all, the story was interesting, there was lots of blood, the story kept you wondering what was going on and the ending was a bit of a surprise. I give this one 4 turds. You can watch it, but you’ll also scream at it at some points, but it was entertaining. It was a Dario Argento movie after all. He always makes weird stories with blood and guts.

So much for this one. As Jason says to Grant in the wonderful series of Ghost Hunters: “On to the next.” See you tomorrow!

As for extra: Ze trailer

Horror of the Zombies

Apparently also known as "The Ghost Galleon"

Hello beetles and beetlettes! It’s a sunny day, the sun is shining off the snow, making me snowblind. Probably a good thing since I’m going to watch crap again. The Crap Marathon continues, part deux!

Today’s choice is a horror film named Horror of the Zombies! And heeeeeeeeeeere’s the synopsis!

A group of people are in search of missing women when the find an old Spanish galleon drifting at sea. They board the ship and find that the ship is occupied by the undead legions of the Knights Templar!

I think I’ve heard of this one before and maybe seen a clip or two. We’ll see. On with the shit movie!

Well, this time no red text, but it’s those awkward spooky looking letters. And they’re flashing fast. You have to be a fast reader on this one. I see a demonic head in the background and there’s a choir chanting. Charming.

And the credits end and we’re at a modeling photo shoot. Swimwear edition. *chokes* More flashbacks of other crappy movies, noooooooo! *fades into darkness*

The director, an annoying woman with crappy lip sync editing, is giving orders to the models of which all appear to be dumb idiots. Although it’s the director who’s the idiot, giving orders even I couldn’t understand. “You go stand next to her.” Err, could you be more specific and point more accurately? Dumbass. And the poses she puts them into are awkward. Damn.

Next stop: Doing It Wrong

Some blonde biatch comes to our redhead director to talk about something and they make me want to scream. Most agonizing and horrible voice dubbing ever. They are attempting to put some kind of emotion to the words, but they fail. Horribly fail. Overacting or just simply wrong input. Fail train on the move! Choochoo! *stamps a big FAIL on the screen*

Seems the blonde biatch lives with another model who has been missing for a few days and thinks the director biatch knows something about it. The director has sent the model to an assignment that was to be kept in secrecy due to it being a new product coming to sales and no-one was to know of the photoshoots or whatever. Weeeeeird start for a movie.

The blonde’s speaking style reminds me a little of Captain Kirk at some points. Scary, isn’t it? Anyways, the director agrees to meet the blonde at pier 3. She agrees and next we’re at the docks! Just like that. As soon as the blonde said “At pier 3.” the scene cuts and we’re at the docks. Ugh.

Oh noes! Not teh boatz!

Anyways, they meet at the docks and the blonde really wants to know what’s going and they go into a warehouse, although the blonde doesn’t seem to trust the director, being paranoid and cautious by the looks of things. They meet some guy who seems to be working with the director and they tell the blonde that her roommate, Kathy, is on a boat. I gotta tell ya, I’m laughing my ass off right now. Wanna know the blonde’s reaction? Of course you do!

The guy: “She’s in a boat.” Blonde: “In a boat?!” Yeah, she’s shocked and stunned. They say it’s broadcast time, the roommate is doing a publicity stunt and the blonde is still shocked. So she’s in a boat, not in the fucking moon. Sheesh! *gathers up his fallen ass*

Soon the sporting goods magnet, Tucker, arrives, explaining what’s going on. He hires people from various agencies, especially from Lillian’s, the director’s, agency, who is behind the idea of the model in the middle of the ocean. The blonde is still shocked that Kathy is in the ocean. Yeah, I’m shocked being in the middle of watching this crap!

Apparently the publicity stunt is that there’s two sexy models trapped on a yacht in the middle of the ocean on a shipping route. So when they get discovered, they’ll be saved and there’d be lots of media and thus they can advertise Tucker’s stuff. The blonde thinks it’s too risky, but Tucker’s got things covered and his new yacht has all kinds of goodies. And there’s a chopper ready if there should be any problems.

Next they take contact to the girls who are in a small speedboat more than a yacht. And we find out the blonde’s name, Noemi. Good. Anyways, they’re checking how things are in the pool ocean where the girls are. They tell they’re still around the same area as before, surrounded by a thick fog, which wasn’t there when we first saw them if I may add… They tell that they’re drifting and it’s getting hotter, the guys on the other end wondering why they’re drifting. Ever heard of currents? Anyways, now the girls talk on top of each other, crappy dubbing like I said, Kathy talking on the radio and the other trying to get her attention as she sees something in the fog. Allow me to quote Beetlejuice here: “Nice fucking model!” Yeah, an old galleon in an aquarium or sink or whatever. The background and colors are different from what we’ve seen as they film the girls.

The guys on the other end tell the girls to shoot out a flare to signal the galleon as the ship is coming right towards them and they shoot out a nice sparkly firework flare. And now the girls are shouting into a megaphone, trying to signal the boat but now Kathy wonders what kind of a boat it is and tells there’s no-one aboard. Sharp eyes I have to say if she can see on top of a galleon that’s still hundreds of yards away…

They shoot another sizzling firework into the air and we hear some music that plays only during when we see the galleon. *headdesk*  The flare doesn’t help and soon with the assistance of the weird music, the boat bumps into the galleon. Or other way around, I don’t care. They just bump. Not crash. Bump. The girls throw themselves around a little like it was a massive hit. *yawns*

The girls are alright and Kathy tells it’s a weird ship and Tucker asks what kind of ship doesn’t have people on-board and Kathy says “Must be a ghost ship since it appeared out of nowhere”. Oh the agony. The other girl doesn’t want to be on the leaking little boat and throws a ladder up onto the galleon. That’s quite an arm she’s got then. Tucker’s mad that she’s ruining his publicity stunt and Noemi tells him they have a right to try and survive and he tells her to shut up. What a bastard that Tucker.

Anyways, the other girl climbs on board the “ghost ship” to examine the place. It’s like you would imagine it to be. Foggy, dark, old, torn sails. They’re really managed to make it look creepy. And lots of creaking of the old wood. Only thing now that sucks is the music. It’s the type from those old Vincent Price movies. You know, the Poe movies. Same stuff. It just doesn’t fit here… and now it’s stopped, just like that. Kathy’s still on the small boat, asking the others to send the helicopter or any kind of help since it’s scary. *stamps a fail on the voice actress*

Tucker now thinks that things have failed and they have to get the girls out. Noemi threatens that he’d better get Kathy out or she’ll turn it into a publicity scandal. Tucker’s helper drags Noemi away… and drags her away… drag her away, I don’t want to hear her anymore! Agh!

Phew, back at the ship. Nice close up of the two model boats. *facepalm* Well, Kathy’s fallen asleep on the small boat and the creepy music plays. And is cut off as we are back at the warehouse. *facepalms again* The helper brings some food to the tied up Noemi. He’s a pervert since she’s only in her underwear. She tells him she wants water and he goes to get some. The idiot had untied her hands and now she’s free and gets dressed up. She tries to escape but he catches her and we get to see him dragging her aaaaall the way back to the room. There he throws her onto the bed, chokes her a little then starts kissing her, seemingly to rape her.

The scene cuts back to the ship where we hear a scream and we see Kathy waking up a little, staring at the ship then falling back asleep. We hear the other girl screaming and moaning again, but Kathy stays asleep. Then it’s a chopper! Whoa, that sounded random… Anyways, a chopper arrives but they’re not finding anything. Tucker and Lillian seem to be talking with some expert, doctor Gruber, who says there’s never any fog in the area the girls were supposed to be at. Lillian gets the idea of mentioning the galleon and suddenly Gruber gets all excited and says the girls are not going to return. He tells tales of people seeing the galleon and some small boats never returning if they’ve come in contact with the galleon. Tucker doesn’t believe a word and is going to find the girls. Gruber still goes on about the phantom ship and wants come along and they agree, just to humor the crazy fatso.

Now Kathy wakes up and picks up the radio from the water but it doesn’t seem to work. She still tries to contact people and talks to the radio then boards the galleon herself to find her friend. Usually that would be a bad idea, but I want her to go and die. Her acting sucks ass. She “calls” for her friend, literally just saying her name rather than shouting it out, then walks around the ship. I think I could watch paint dry right about now. It would be more interesting than watching her “act”.

Something just occured to me. They had been already on the boat out on sea for some days. I didn’t see any food or water on them… meh, nevermind. Movie magic. Anyways, Kathy ends up in the captain’s cabin, turns on a cassette to listen to music and rests on a chair. That’s one lazy bitch.

After a while we see our group of heroes on a proper yacht, sailing towards to the last known location of the girls. They talk amongst themselves about stuff. They even dragged Noemi along so she wouldn’t talk to the press. Tucker doesn’t know how to explain the disappearances to the press but Lillian comes up with an idea that the girls fought and fell into the sea. Tucker’s worried of the prof and Noemi but Lillian suggests they disappear too since no-one knows of them cruising out in the ocean. What a murdering bitch. I like her.

Back on the ship Kathy’s still sitting on the chair while down inside the ship some caskets are starting to open and we see a skeletal or mummified hand. Oooooh. Finally something happening. Nice puppet arm. *facepalm* Kathy the moron decides to take a nap and we see the caskets opening fully and there are the puppets mummies, awakening from their slumber while a Gregorian choir sings. Ooh, that’s so scary, mister. Nice suit though. Now put those arms down, you look like an idiot. You’re supposed to be an undead, not sleepwalking. Or maybe they are sleepwalking, who knows.

Kathy wakes up to the noise they make and goes around to see what’s happening, yo. The hatch on the ship starts to very slowly and very creakingly open and our sleepwalkers appear. Kathy starts screaming and presses herself against the ropes when she could just run somewhere since our zombies are slow idiots, but she’s even more stupid. At least she has some sense since when one is about to grab her, she starts to sidle along the edge. She walks backwards as slowly as they walk onwards. She tries to get up onto the upper deck, her foot gets stuck, she gets free at the last moment, but the undead are closing in on her. She gets the bright idea to climb over the railing and falls back to the lower deck but hurts herself in the process. Now she’s dragging herself along the deck. The snails manage to grab her, pick her up, now they walk faster than before and they drop her into the hold. Finally the zombies managed to do something other than walking. Bravo! *throws confetti then sets them on fire*

And as soon as the thump is heard, we see the yacht. Seems they didn’t do a good clean-up on the film since there’s some white stuff on the left side… oh, it’s supposed to be the edge of the fog, but I thought fog moves. Oh, now it does. *headdesk* This movie sucks! Anyways, they now drift into the mist and the professor gets the idea that they’ve entered some other dimension since the fog and the intense heat is highly irregular for the area. Tucker is wiser and thinks the prof is just nuts. They find the galleon and ready the small boat so they can board the ghost ship. The ladder is still on the side of the galleon but the speedboat is missing it seems. Lillian hopes they’ve managed to get away, but we know better, don’t we? *winks then sighs*

Now we painstakingly watch as they all stumble and climb up onto the ship while smoke is puffed at them. Sorry, fog swirls around them. The professor goes on about the ship or fog being not real, that they don’t exist, since he’s a man of science. Tucker is a practical man, having some tools, flashlights and a gun. Good for him, shoot the theoretical non-existing professor in his non-existing theoretical mind.

Oh well, he didn’t do it. The ladies are now exploring the ship and they find the bag Kathy and the other girl had along with them. The helper pervert hollers everyone over to him and while a harp plays we see their little boat vanish into thin air. The professor goes on about the dimensions again but Tucker doesn’t believe a word he says. Tucker has high hopes that they’ll be rescued, but he doesn’t look too certain about it.

The prof starts to examine some papers while our pervert teases Tucker about how he always uses his money to get things done but now can’t do shit. Tucker keeps telling him to get out but as the pervert is leaving he tells him to stay. Make up your damn mind. The pervert starts to talk about how now Tucker ain’t the big shot anymore and such and how the pervert can’t be controled anymore since Tucker doesn’t have the money to keep him. Tucker looks panicky of the pervert abandoning him and tells him he’s frightened. Now we see the professor falling asleep on top of his papers.

Then we see our girls, getting ready to rest. Noemi finds a cloth, must belong to Kathy since some music starts to play and we get a damn flashback. Noemi and Kathy, talking about modeling. How touching… move along, nothing to see here… please?

After that painful flashback, we’re back with Noemi and Lillian. Lillian’s asleep already, Noemi decides to go exploring. She goes about the deck with the lantern while eerie music plays. She opens the hatch to the hold and goes to take a look. Funny how the wind is blowing although we can see there’s no wind at all. Nature is an amazing thing. Oh yeah and the music stopped when she opened the hatch. And the wind stopped as soon as she started descending the stairs. She knocks on a door, calling for Kathy, but that only awakens the zombies. She goes around, knocking on doors and calling for Kathy, but that only awakens more zombies. She opens one door and surprise! Our zombies are there. And enter overacting class, session 4: How to overact being frightened. Noemi, you’re doing it right. Man, she’s going overboard with it too. Hehe, she’s on a boat, going overboard with overacting, hehe, hehe… *ahem*

So, she sidles along the wall, like Kathy did earlier, screaming her head off. One rubber zombie hand grabs her by the throat and starts strangling her. Whoa, tearing her throat open as I see blood. Wow. Well, only scratching her neck as she manages to break free but there was blood and if it was that much blood in real life, she’d be bleeding to death by now. Anyways, she can’t scream anymore, so it did do damage and there’s a little blood coming out of her mouth. She falls against the stairs, trying to climb up and call for help, but sorry, you’re dying Noemi. She does manage to get her voice back and get on the deck, but no-one can hear her as they’re all asleep. The zombies snatch her leg and drag her back into the hold. They do it really gently.

*twirls his thumbs while the zombies drag Noemi on*

After watching that dragging for 2 minutes, they put her on top of something and one of the zombies decapitates her. It’s nicely done. And a clean cut. Damn sharp sword. Then they tear her apart and start feasting on her flesh with their rubber teeth.

Now the rest of the group try to find the girls and the professor has found the old logbook (or magazine) of the captain. He finds out the crew were sailing out of the Orient, carrying military personnel. He deducts they could’ve been associates with the Templars. And Lillian (I don’t know how) observes that the crew would be from the 18th century, but the galleon is from the 16th century. The professor reads from the book that the men somehow beat mortality and then embarked two centuries later.

Try and solve this riddle!

I’m as confused as you are. And also aggravated. Moving on.

And I’m getting more confused as I listen to the professor. Tucker thinks he’s nuts. The professor talks about the caskets being like sarcophagi… how the fog isn’t seen by any device we use to spot weather phenomenons and such, then goes on how it appears only for small boats to hunt them as it’s prey… Then he talks of carnivorous plants as they’ve slept for 14 hours, how some plants make you sleep or something… I don’t know, I can’t make sense out of his speeches. It’s all random mumbo-jumbo to me.

So they split up now, Tucker with his pervert, the prof with Lillian. Tucker’s team to the cabins, prof’s team to the hold. I’d like to add that the prof is a moron too. Lillian and prof go around, checking the doors like Noemi did, both looking like they’re about to shit their pants. Tucker and perv are walking in the cabins. Walk in, look around, walk out. Oh the excitement.

Lillian and the prof find some caskets and he tries to open one then Lillian gets scared of a mouse and… err, wait. A mouse? On a ghost ship? *facepalms* Well, her startled scream scares the prof half to death. While he goes back to work, Lillian hits the wall with her lantern and it makes a hollow sound. They figure there’s a room behind the wall and the prof goes to get the others and tells Lillian to wait. Sure, leave her alone sitting on top of a sarcophagus. Brilliant idea.

While she’s down there, some creepy music plays. And it cuts off when we switch to Tucker and Co. The prof arrives and tells them to follow and they soon arrive back to Lillian and the hollow wall. They pull down the net on the wall and reveal a door. They open it, a skeleton falls out and it’s the treasure hold that they find. The perv starts collecting all kinds of gold coins into one chest while the others just admire the antiques and all in there. Lillian finds a human skull with horns mounted on the wall and the prof explains something about devil worship.

Soon they all hear creaking noises and it’s our zombies waking up. They all panic, the perv grabs his chest of gold and runs out. Soon the others follow. Tucker takes his gun and shoots one of the zombies but all we hear is a ricochet. … oh no… not another flashback for me! *chokes*

Moving on, the slow zombies are now after our heroes. While our heroes run, Lillian badly acting manages to hurt herself and Tucker has to drag her along now while she keeps overacting her hurting. *thumbs up for overacting, thumbs down for movie*

I guess it’s mandatory to get hurt, since otherwise the slowass zombies wouldn’t catch them. One zombie manages to grab the prof’s leg, Tucker comes to his aid, shoot a ricochet shot on the zombie’s face and they pull the prof to safety.

In the holy finger we trust...

“I have some practice in exorcism.” WHAT?! Is this professor for real? Oh my gods, now this is just too ridiculous. He’s a scientist, a weatherman, archeologist, history teacher, botanist and now a damn priest?! Fuck this movie, fuck it very much!

Well, he makes up a flaming cross and starts chanting at the zombies and seems it works as the zombies start to back away. The zombies crawl back into the hold and the hatch closes up on it’s own. Well, hot-diggity-dog, yeehaw, our priest-scientist-professor has saved the day! *shoots self in the leg*

Next they see a cruiser sounding it’s, err, train’s whistle and they try to get it’s attention by shouting at it. Like it could hear from miles away. Tucker even shoots his gun, but to no avail. The cruiser goes further and further away. Really fast too. The professor says that they are in a different dimension, that’s why they can’t be seen.

Then they wonder what they could do before the zombies come out again. Seems our hero prof has another idea. What’s the idea? The boys carry the caskets out and dump them into the sea. One by one. More nice fucking models here in the aquarium. *kicks the screen* And there they go, carrying a casket, dumping it. Carrying a casket, dumping it. Carrying a casket, dumping it. You get the idea by now.

As soon as the last one is up and over, the fog starts to dissolve and they see the stars on the wall in the sky and land in the distance. They decide to swim to it, throwing a long log into the sea, but the prof can’t swim and decides to stay behind. What, he can do all kinds of cool stuff but can’t swim? Fucker.

The perv took a bag of jewels with him but it’s weighing them all down so he decides to try and drown Tucker. Lillian saves Tucker by grabbing a knife from the bag of treasures and stabs the perv in the neck.

Meanwhile in the ship, the eyes of the satanic skull suddenly light up and the treasure room catches on fire. The prof smells the fire and the place really gets heated up then the prof tries to exorcise some more but the non-existing smoke around him is too much and he starts to choke and my ears start to bleed at his horrible voice. We also see a shot of the burning model ship. Awww, bye bye model. The prof dies of the smoke and the tin model melts. Yes, MELTS. *plants a fail mark on the screen*

Lillian and Tucker wash up on shore and there’s something coming out of the water. A bucket? Well, Lillian and Tucker are safe and there’s the bucket again. The survivors walk over to the sand and the bucket again! …. oh… not a bucket. The same zombie’s head shown as it lifts up from the water and water pours out of it’s eye sockets and nose, thus the sound of pouring water… *starts to cry*

Anyways, the zombies emerge, all seven… err, twelve… no ten… eight? Fuck. Some amount of zombies! Lillian and Tucker are all tuckered out (HAWHAWHAW) and don’t notice the slow ass pieces of shit approaching them. Tucker wakes up and gasps, then Lillian wakes up, we see a shot from the ground, the zombies in a circle. The sound suddenly cuts off, the zombies reach out with their hands and… err, it’s a stillshot now? Ah, end credits. No music though. Well, that’s over then.

Well, time to rant then.

Alright… okay… let me think. Shit. Crap. That’s about it. This movie was such a pile of dung that… ugh. At points it didn’t make any sense at all and the zombies were… pure crap. It was just a horrible movie. I think people could laugh at it with friends, but alone… it’s a bit agonizing. I did laugh at some points, but otherwise I just kept the movie rolling and wondered what better things I could be doing other than watching this. So I gives this film a turd. One turd. Unos turdos. That’s it. It can’t deserve more.

And thus the review ends. Tomorrow stay tuned for another craptastic review by yours truly, the Dung Bug. Byes!

Some extras!

Trailer of the movie!

Death By Dialogue

Oh how I wish it was as good as this picture...

Yush, my beetles and beetlettes! Dung Bug is here to entertain you with movie reviews and this week’s special: Crap Marathon! I have set up 7 DVDs in a stack and I’m going to watch one movie from each one per day and today we start with Death By Dialogue!

Synopsis time: A young man and friends visit his uncle who lives next door to an old movie studio. The young group after checking out the studio stumble upon an old script, but this script is more than they realize as things start to happen just as it happens in the script…

Okay, sounds like a fun idea, this was made in 1988 so I’m going to be seeing lots of funny stuff. I mean, I’ll be crapping my pants for being so scared! … I really should stop writing sarcastic comments, they just don’t work here. Anyways, on with the show!

We start off with a full moon and why is it always red letters? I know red is a strong color and one of my favorites but… oh well, red letter day, hehe. *ahem* Onwards…

Judging from the picture quality, which good for a change, this is a TV movie. You can just tell when you’ve seen enough of them. And that’s one brave stuntman. Some old opens a chest that’s lit up from the inside and it explodes on his face. Just sparkles and smoke, but you could lose an eye or something. So kudos to the stuntman. The old fat guy who was opening the chest isn’t even fazed by the explosion though, he just gets up and dusts off his cowboy hat and goes back. This time the chest isn’t lit up or doesn’t explode, must’ve been a booby trap or something.

So he finds some kind of magazine and some woman comes to see what’s happening. He claims he’s setting up traps, but she wants him out of the cellar. Now hold on a minute. He was trespassing and you don’t even call the cops? Lady, you’re out of your mind. Anyways, he walks away and it’s a movie script he’s reading and he makes a “funny” comment about it. I didn’t laugh. I only laugh at cheesy effects and all that crap.

Next we see the lady in the cellar, checking the chest, then she goes upstairs and next she’s talking to who I think is her husband while cleaning a glass. She’s sure that our old fat guy didn’t find the item (although he did you idiot) and she’s worried of it that it’s not secured enough. Her husband is not worried at all and tells her it’s safe enough. And she drops the glass for no apparent reason.

Next we see our old fat guy reading the script and chuckling how shitty it is. As he reads it, things start to happen. Ooooh, spooky. Okay, I said picture quality is good, sound quality isn’t. Anyways, our fat guy starts talking to himself, I don’t know why, apparently he’s angry at the woman for some reason. Meanwhile some spooky looking lady is following him and he notices her, thinking it’s the lady from the house. Seems he works for her then he provokes the lady to “fire him”. So she… errr… fires him with a flamethrower. Firing it from… 20 meters away? (60 feet about), the flames goes for 5 meters I think, but he bursts into flames in a second, full body flames.

*facepalms* Pure shit. At least they’ve hired good stuntmen since this guy’s walking while on fire.

And he’s still walking around… going for a good 20 seconds at least. That’s brave.

Then he falls over and… we see a car’s stereo. *facepalm number 2* And the credits start to roll. Oh boy… Enter cheesy 80′s rock. What a horrible song…

So, the young group arrives at a house and surprise, surprise, it’s the man and woman from the beginning. The man is our nephew’s uncle and the woman is his nurse. I’m smelling more and more shit as I watch this. Stereotypes around. They have a black guy who’s all homeboy, but really a nice guy. Leather jacket tough guy with cool hair and cigarette between his lips. Two girls, both pretty, other nice, the other model-like. And of course the nephew, the nice guy with frizzy hair.

The nephew is talking with his uncle and the woman, the others go for walks together. It doesn’t take too long until one of them finds the crispy corpse and cops arrive in the next scene. The guy who plays the detective looks like he’s drunk. Either that or he’s a lifesized bobblehead. The coroner is another stereotype, bad hair, eating a sandwich while looking at the body. He does come to the conclusion that it wasn’t an accident and some kind of “incidiery device” was used. Oh, he didn’t burst into flames on his own? Well shucks.

So far I can say is… I’m expecting too much, receiving little and enjoying my ass off.

Our nurse lady goes to check the chest again and this time finds out that the script is gone. Wow, didn’t see the BROKEN LOCK before? The youngsters are in the living room, watching TV and chatting, although I can’t make sense out of it, since the room echoes and the mics are put totally in the wrong places. Sheesh. Amateurs… Anyways, the nurse goes to tell the uncle the script is gone and he urges her to find it.

The young group is watching some horror slasher movie and talk about a scene in it where a girl gets her head chopped off and suddenly our leather jacket tough guy starts wondering what it would be like if you did get your head chopped off. … okay, random scene that has no sense. This guy’s nuts. The black dude gives a good comeback, but the tough guy tells the others to think about it. He looks scared and dead serious about this head chopping business. Why? I have no fucking clue. I’m just laughing at this crappy script.

Nice move to the next scene. *facepalm #3* A flashlight to the camera and we see the nurse checking the crispy fat guy’s room. She won’t find it there, he threw the script outside. And our youngsters are still talking about death. *yawns* The nurse returns to the uncle and shakes her head and he looks displeased.

Next we have one of the girls in her bed… reading the script. Errrr… how did she find it? Where did she find it? Did I miss something?! Oh well, so she has the script. The title is “Victim 67″. Wait… in the beginning the crispy man said it was “Victim 66″… Whatev. She reads the same part as our crispy fatty did and next it’s morning and they go to have fun, while 80′s breakdance music plays. Groovy. I’m not telling what’s happening, it’s a scene after another, all of them just playing around… booooooooooriiing.

Good thing that ends. The nurse tells the nephew lunch is ready, looking pissed. Now they’re having lunch on the patio with the uncle. Now I can hear even less than in the living room since the wind is blowing on the fucking microphone!! And the tough guy makes the worst fake burp. Ever.

Next we’re inside, looking at the uncle’s big collections of butterflies, antiques and animal heads up on the walls. And I keep turning up the volume because I can’t hear damn anything. These guys don’t know how to act or how to use their voice. The only one loud enough is the tough guy. And he’s loud. And an idiot.

And now the girl is reading the script again and our nephew comes to drag her with him to go play with the others, but she wants to read more. Meanwhile the tough guy and the other girl are up in a barn, I think, getting ready to get some. So they get to work. I have to say, she has some ugly fake boobs. Or boob. The other is bigger than the other. Not good looking.

As they start to act like they’re making love, there’s must coming out of the wood cracks and a bright light while some growling is heard. Also the boards are moving and crackling. Seems neither of them realize what’s happening. The more they go on, the more the wood crackles and more mist comes out. Suddenly she’s pulled right off of the tough guy, goes flying through the barn doors and out onto the ground. Damn. Ouch. Eeh. That’s gonna leave a mark.

Our tough guy is totally flabberghasted and as 80′s heavy metal starts to play, dunno why, he comes out still trying to get into his clothes, totally panicking. Like totally. And oh gods this music sucks ass! I know lots of good 80′s metal, but they’ve chosen really crappy music here. That singer just made my ears burst into flames. He can’t sing at all.

Anyways, our tough guy goes scrambling on the ground, grabbing onto tree branches, then we see more tree branches and he stumbles some more… Hey, I know this music sucks, but it’s not that horrifying. *turns on his laughter machine “HA HA HA HA”* Okay, bad jokes aside, this scene sucks.

*double-facepalm* HOLY SHIT! *laughs his ass off and chases it a little then watches the movie again and laughs* That awful band is here and our tough guy stumbles onto them while they play this awful song. I’m getting Night Train to Terror flashbacks, by the gods! *chokes*

*laughs some more* Our singer goes up to the tough guy and sings, although there’s no singing at that part of the song. Good that they noticed that bad editing. Oh wait, they didn’t! The singer isn’t even singing the right lyrics from what I can tell. Why is this scene even here? As the song ends, our guitar hero smashes his guitar on the tough guy’s head and his… head explodes? And we hear a gunfire?

*shakes his head* What a bad dream… now we’re watching the girl reading the crappy script, I mean evil script. She puts the script down, talks about showing it to the tough guy and jokes about if he can read.

Next it’s morning and our three survivors are on the patio, having breakfast. Of course unaware of their friends’s deaths. The boys go to search the others while our girl keeps reading the script. At the same time the detective comes around to ask more questions but the nurse keeps snapping at him that he’s harassing them… right. Anyways, as the cop is about to leave, our girl walks up to him and shows him the script, the part our crispy dude read. She says that the title of the script keeps changing and that she found it in the barn. Aha, ze plot thickens. They go towards the place she mentioned, which wasn’t the barn apparently, and the detective goes ahead to investigate. She starts reading the script again and sees her friends’s names in it then panics as she reads ahead and warns the cop, but… too late. He falls inside the ground and we see an explosion on the foreground. Yeah, crappy effects.

She goes to see where the detective vanished but there’s nothing. No hole, just ground. Oooh. Then we hear a pop sound, you know when you pop a bubble in cartoons, and our detective pops up, all melting and shit. Her scream startled me a little. Since I have the volume up so high.

The nephew and black dude are at their car, talking about it and arguing how to tune it up while she comes running to them. They tell her it was just an earthquake, although I didn’t see anything shaking. She tells them that the script is killing everybody and the boys are all “WTF?” She says the cop is dead and she takes the boys to the place, but ‘lo and behold, there’s nothing there. They argue about what’s going on and go back.

Our black guy is reading the script and *gasp* The title is now “Victim 70″! Ooooooooooooooooooo *coughs* ooh… *ahem* Then he asks the best question. “How could a script kill someone?” Well, if I read this movie’s script, I’d be dead. They talk about how the bodies are gone, only crispy man was found and blah blah. I’m not paying much attention anymore since I can’t hear anything. They all mumble and the wind blocks words.

Anyways, they go to the house to call the police, but the phone doesn’t work. The uncle rolls up to talk to them. To talk about the script…

So here’s the deal with it: In the Amazons, a journalist harassed some natives with questions and they killed him, but then things happened there and they put the dad guy’s ashes into a sacred urn and all was well again. Our uncle arrives at some point, hears the story and is given the urn to take with him and bury it in the journalist’s home ground, but our uncle takes it to add to his collection. Later on he hires the nurse who accidentally knocks over the urn while dusting and the evil spirit within possesses the script of the movie that was being filmed at their place. The script’s name? “Victim”. Now the name is “Victim 70″. You do the math.

It begs to ask the question. If the script is the one killing people… why don’t they just kill the fucking pile of paper with fucking fire?!?!?

Onwards! The black dude panics and “is getting the fuck outta there”. The nurse says he can’t, the script won’t allow him to, and he goes all “Bullshit, you’ll see. I’m gonna… I… I’m getting the fuck outta here!” … Looking at his expression, he forgot his lines…

The uncle says they must contain the script. Err… kill it with fire? No? Fine.

Anyways, the black is getting the fuck outta there, the girl tries to stop him, but the gate’s locked. She tells him it’s electrified and he tells he’s getting the fuck outta there (redundant, isn’t he?) and she throws something at the gate to demonstrate. And yes, it is electrified. She says it’s in the script. Stop fucking reading it! Then you won’t die! Stupid bitch.

So now they’re going to restrain the script by putting it back into the urn. The uncle’s paralysis is due to the last attempt of doing so. Err, what was the deal with the chest then? Why not put it back in there? Okay, I won’t ask questions anymore, I’ll just watch. And review. And do facepalms.

Oh, they are going to the chest. Ha, my question is answered. The urn is in the chest. Our boys take on the task to put the script in there. Good luck boys!

I just noticed there’s still 40 minutes left… the hell? *shrugs and watches*

They slowly open the chest and we see a lamp inside. I mean, that must be the mystical urn. (it’s a lamp) Our nephew is brave enough to take the cap off of the lamp, but not brave enough to stick the script into the glass tube on the first try. The closer he puts the script, the more the “urn” shakes and glows and it’s scaring the shit out of our wimpy black guy. Nephew gathers up his strength and piles the script into the urn, the urn exploding like before.

Next we’re outside. I guess the boys did it and they’re relaxing around a big campfire. Well, the ring is small, only a few twigs but the flame is 2 feet tall… go figure. The boys looked happy enough.

The nurse and uncle talk about the script, how to fight against it. Err, didn’t the boys put it in the urn after all? Anyways. The youngsters talk about how things have gone, their friends dead and all.

Ooh, they were trying to burn the script, but as they put out the fire, the script is totally unharmed. Okay, so no killing it with fire. At least I’ve seen that happening once! *yays*

Anyways, our heroes try to get some sleep, our girl falling asleep on the couch. She has a weird dream of their dead friends, the girl was at a pond, wearing a white dress and the cool guy drives over in a formula car. She runs over to him and goes topless, he’s looking all cool in the car. She starts taking off his scarf and suddenly pulls on it, his head flying clean off. Dream turned into a nightmare. Cool. She freaks out on the couch and the black dude tries to calm her down.

The nephew gets an idea of writing some scenes, putting them into the script and.. see what happens. Cool idea, if you ask me. It never occured to me to do that.

Okay these guys really don’t know how to beat evil forces. They all just wanna get the fuck outta there. Black dude suggests a chopper arrives. Nephew suggests loads of cops arrive. Then uncle suggests that there’s a powerout so that the gate won’t be electrified anymore… so they write the uncle’s idea… ugh.

So the girl writes on the typewriter. Slowly. Possibly… 20 letters. *facepalm number… who the fuck cares. Facepalm facepalm*

And as soon as they close and rebind the script… pow, no lights. The power is out. So it worked. Now burn the fucker with fire! Orrr…. leave the place, yes, like that… idiots.

They get to the gate and there’s some monster guarding it. The body doesn’t move at all, only the head moves and, err, drools. The nephew grabs a big stick from the ground and just as he is about to hit it, it vanishes. Also the power comes up again so the gate is electrified once more. Nice try though!

They return to the house and seems uncle had a mild heart attack, awww.. The black dude seems to be getting ideas and decides to go alone to the movie set nearby to get some stuff. He checks the script and finds out he’ll be alright to assure the girl that he really will be fine. Meanwhile there’s boring drama between nephew and nurse… yawn.

So, our black dude walks in the forest, the nurse is in the kitchen. Suddenly something breaks outside and she goes to see what it was. A pot is broken and as she starts to gather the pieces, someone walks up to her. Some big ugly dude with a huge sword and ragged clothes. She screams and starts crawling back into the house.

Meanwhile nephew and the girl are kissing inside.

Nurse has ran away from the house and is in the woods now with the freak after her. Why didn’t she run inside? It’s a horror rule. When in danger, don’t run into the house. Go to the woods. Remember that, kiddos. And apparently our nurse doesn’t know how to run. She keeps walking backwards and falls every three seconds. And does it badly. Ugh.

And we get another shot of nephew and the girl kissing. Badly.

Soon we see the freak driving his sword through the nurse and lifting her up in the air. Then he pushes her upwards and she’s gone. The freak stares like a happy moron at his bloody sword.

Then we’re back to the awful kissing again. And the nephew sees the script’s name has changed… err, I don’t see the script around though. Maybe he’s now psychic? I don’t know, I don’t care. I want this to end. So they think it’s the black dude that died and goes to find him.

Meanwhile our blackie comes out of one of the houses and looks around, walking calmly but looking nervous. He sees something in the distance and it’s our freak-o. Standing all high and mighty. He takes his sword and starts waving it around, flames burst out of the ground… while mighty music plays… like he’s fucking He-Man… Then there’s two explosions and it’s biker mice from Mars! … err, no, just two guys on motorcycles. The freak waves his sword to two directions and the bikemen go to those directions.

The black dude saw the whole scene and sneaks out of there. Our two other heroes go around the studio but can’t find the man. They rest against a tree but the girl sees blood and as they look at the tree, they find the dead nurse.

Next our couple returns to the house and the freak is watching them from behind a tree. And now we have drama between uncle and nephew. Afterwards the nephew grabs a toy shotgun (yeah should look real, but you can clearly see it’s a fake) and he tells the girl “it’s time to go hunting”. Uh-huh, so now bullets will destroy an evil spirit. Right.

So our heroes go out to hunt, the black dude is aimlessly wandering the woods… while whistling… our heroes stop at one point, hearing the freak gurgling behind them, but nothing’s appearing. The girl goes on and the nephew stands waiting and as he takes a step, the freak appears, ready to strike, but our nephew is quicker and blasts a leg off. That’s one powerful shotgun. The freak lies on the ground missing one leg from knee down but he lifts his head to show he’s not dead.

Suddenly our nephew realizes how they could destroy the evil spirit. The journalist never had a proper burial and is in limbo! Great, now they figured it out. The uncle told in the story that the natives wanted him to bury the journalist’s ashes to his home ground, that’s why he was given the urn. Anyways, she runs off to get the script or urn, he hears a motorcycle and goes after it but runs into a wire, hitting his throat. Ouch. Next we see the black dude setting up the wires. I guess they were meant for the bikers. Oops.

Seems the bikers caught the nephew and are now dragging him behind one of the bikes. Blackie notices this and manages to get the other biker after him and drive into the wire he had set up. While the biker is down, he pours gasoline on the monster but his matches won’t light up and the biker gets up. Luckily our wimpy black guy is a fast runner. The biker gets back onto his bike and goes after our wimp.

Meanwhile our nephew manages shoot his tormentor down and then walks up to the downed biker and shoots him. Twice. And poof, the biker’s gone. He hears the other biker coming and as soon as he sees him, boom, the bike explodes. Damn, that’s one lucky shot. He runs to the spot where the bike exploded but nothing’s there. Even the black guy arrives to stare. Then they just calmly walk away, as if they’ve won already. Sheesh this script sucks ass.

They meet with the chick in the house and they go to give the script and crap a proper burial. I just wonder where she found a vial of holy water. I guess every household should have their own vial of holy water, in case of vampires and such.

They argue between themselves as they arrive to a cemetary, the black guy complaining having to drag the chest all the way. After a while the black dude is sent to get a pickaxe which he forgot to bring in the first place and while he’s walking we hear the freak in the distance. And we see the full moon. Either it’s a very long day or… nevermind. You get the idea anyway.

The others check the script that the black dude will be alright, but this time there’s no names written, but nephew is sure that it’s the black guy who’ll be just fine. The girl steps aside to let the nephew dig but he finds something and looks closer and suddenly the freak jumps out of the ground and is ready to strike the nephew, but our hero the black guy arrives and hacks the freak with the pickaxe.

Our heroes hurry up to try and bless the grave, but our one-legged freak with pickaxe on his body hops on over and is about to strike with his sword but the girl manages to finish the prayer and the freak vanishes. And so the movie ends… With the horrible 80′s rock song playing from the beginning. UGH!

So… now it’s time to rant.

My gods, this was awful most of the time. The sound quality simply sucked and the music? Oh horrible! Picture quality was good for a change and the director did know how to use camera angles at good points but there were lots of bad moments too. Acting was from mediocre to awful and the script didn’t make sense at points. I might’ve been laughing more if I had been with friends but watching alone… bores you to death at times. I mean first half of the movie we see 4 deaths. Rest of the movie… 1 death. One! Otherwise it was just boring shit. The deaths were nicely done though, especially the first one, that stuntman went through hell, seriously. Kudos to the stuntmen, shit to the music.

All in all, it was entertaining in it’s awfulness, I could care less of the dialogue, it sure did kill me! Maybe that’s what this movie was all about, killing the audience with crappy and senseless dialogue. So I give this Death By Diarrhea 3 turds, nice little clip to watch with friends if you want crappy action and horror.

So that was Death By Dialogue! Stay tuned for another review tomorrow! Unfortunately (or luckily) I couldn’t find any extra goodies for you lovely people. And I mean no goodies at all. Shame. Maybe next time or try to find some yourself. Anyways, tune in tomorrow for more crap!

Crap Marathon

Hello my beetles! It’s been a long while since I’ve put up anything, but now it’s time to really get to work. I’m putting up a marathon which means a review per day! Oh yessssss, crap each day. Starting today! Let the Crap Marathon commence!

Yours truly

Dung Bug

Country Blue

Yah yah unh, is yo’ muthah-funkin’ Dung Bug here again. Yeah, I’ll stop that now. I ain’t no homeboy, yo. So, here I am again, bringing crap in the form of rolling tape downstream. Yes, another crappy movie about to be watched. This time it’s called… Country Blue!

Okay, so the story is supposed to be like this:

A man released from prison returns to his hometown to try to start his life anew, but soon realizes that he’s going to get nowhere in the small town. After falling in love with the boss’s married daughter, the man plans to rob a bank, escape with the money and the daughter and make his way to Mexico for easy living.

Right, you all got that? Yeah, incredible shit is going to flash before my eyes soon enough. Let’s get this roll of dung… rolling.

The movie starts with lines of text telling us what day it is, where we are and what the weather is like, while the sound of… err… that thing that mechanics use… pneumatic screwdriver or whatever, you know, to put tires in place… ANYWAY, sounds of that are played when a line of said text appears on the screen. Yes. I’m already excited of this crappy quality of a start.

And I’ll say this. It’s hot as hell in August in Georgia, apparently. 102 F (that’s about 39 C) and 96% humidity. Phew, I wouldn’t want to live there.

… after the text goes off, while cars revv in the background, we come to a nice long still-shot of people with roadsters. Oh wait, they moved. After, oh, 6 seconds seeing still-shit. Shot, I mean. … or do I?

Yay, people taking left-turns, the all-American favorite past-time. And also enter cheesy sounding American music. I think that’s Yankee Doodle.

Ain't he a hansum fellar?

Now we see a grey-haired old guy shouting at the cars, must be a patron or maybe he’s part of the te-….. OMG I know this guy! I’ve seen him in westerns. Let me check him up. *rolls open a pile of turd* Yeah, Dub Taylor, check him up, maybe you’ve seen him somewhere yourself.

And before we go any further, now I know what kind of shit I’m about to see. The guy who stars in this movie not only directed this, but he also wrote, produced and edited it. And it was the only movie he made…. talk about a career going… nowhere. Anyways, onwards! I’m not here about the actors per se, I’m here about the movie.

*sighs* J. J. “Jumpy” Belk is our grey-haired old man, who apparently raised… (yeah, movie goes to a still and that text appears on the screen)

Bobby Lee Dixon, paroled: Saturday. So he was paroled the day before this now-day. How fascinating. Yeah, I could care less. And I do.

So the two meet and Jumpy’s surprised to see Bobby out of jail it seems. Next someone badly acting shouts out from a car and I guess it’s Jumpy’s real son since Jumpy starts shouting at the young man and threatens to “give a knuckle sandwich”. Then goes to work on the car while the rest of the team just stands there doing nothing.

Yeah, laughed so much it hurt...

Bobby wants his old job back, apparently he was a mechanic for Jumpy, while they get coffee. The young boy says it’s 50 cents for the coffee and Jumpy just goes “shit” and they walk away with their coffees without paying. This script already stinks of ass all over it. All this time some girl who came with Bobby just stands with him and giggles like an idiot whenever he or Jumpy say something “funny”. Ha ha ha. Oh my sides. Of my ass. I’ve watched this movie for 4 friggin’ minutes and already I want to chew my own leg off and paint my eyes pink.

Now we watch as cars go round and round and round, oh I mean an intense race goes on. Why? Hell if I know. I thought Jumpy and Bobby were talking serious stuff, but I guess that wasn’t that important.

Jumpy’s team’s car goes too far on a turn and does 180 and gets stuck while Bobby throws an empty beer can at someone who gets mad, while Jumpy talks nonsense, then the maddened man punches Bobby. Now the opening credits appear while we watch an aerial zoomout of the race tracks. Errr… ooookay, that made no sense in any way. And there’s only the sound of wind…

Forget it. Now my ears bleed. Slow, country music plays during the credits. And guess what color the text is? ERRR! Wrong. It’s in GREEN!

Okay, country song over. Good. Now I can watch this.

Or not. Bobby ends up at some stop near his hometown or in his hometown and goes inside. There’s black people in there and he starts making small talk to them, seems he knows them all and they seem to know him.

Let me get to deal here. Our “star’s” acting is awful. He turns away from the camera often and he mumbles his speech. It’s almost like he himself forgets where the damn mic is. And that thing picks up everything in the room and echoes a lot so you can hardly hear the dialogue, which is mediocre at best. And the guys around the table trying to play poker… talk about creating stereotypes…. *shakes head sadly*

Even the bartender woman is a stereotype. Over-eager and super-nice older black woman laughing all the time… this movie sucks.

Well, the woman offers Bobby a job doing some delivery work, but he doesn’t take it. He wants better work and tries to make his life work and the woman just laughs at him. Seems he’s not good at being a good boy or something. He leaves the place, the girl from the start with him. Seems she’s Jumpy’s daughter or something.

I has noise I shouts!

Soon he stops at a bridge and goes all tantrum at her since he wants better work than being a greasemonkey. Well, a monkey would do better work than him in acting. I bet he’d fail as trying to act like a monkey… Anyways, they get into an argument. Seems she’s the one he’s in love with and she loves him too, but she’s still married. Apparently she didn’t have the guts or the money to get the divorce and Bobby’s real mad at her about it. Then they hug and Bobby assures her things will be alright, awwww… gods what shit I’m watching…

And now more country music plays. I noticed in the credits this same woman sings three songs in the movie. This is song number 2 then. During the song they talk more, but I don’t care anymore. This movie is slowly putting me to sleep.

This is just a hillbilly love story or something and you know what? Forget it. My mind is a blank right now. It’s this music and this slow-paced “love scene” of Bobby and the girl walking together killing me. Oh brother…

Good thing that’s over. Now we see three boys teasing a monkey who’s in a cage and someone talking inside a shack. The sign outside says “Belk’s Garge”. More stereotypes. Old-timer can’t even spell right. Say that in a Texas accent and you’ll know how they’re talking and because of that accent… I can hardly understand them. Anyways, so, we’re in Jumpy’s “garge” with his son on the phone and the old-timer in the back. In the crapper, judging from the flushing sound. Flush this movie with ya, would ya?

Bobby’s in the “garge” too, but seems he’s not interested in working in the “garge”. Okay, I’ll stop that joke… Jumpy and him talk some and then go driving. Now, I have nothing against colored people, but that young black boy could’ve been…. better at his grand scene of 20 seconds. He kept staring at the ground, grinning like an idiot, and said his lines, no correction, shouted his lines loud and clear.

Even the cat is annoyed.

And talking of acting, Jumpy… gods, ugh, argh, blegh and durr. His mouth keeps going on and on, jabbering about nothing important, but the annoying thing is… he just won’t shut the fuck up. He stays quiet for 5 seconds and then says something stupid and meaningless and laughs at what he said. Only time he stays quiet is when he’s not filmed.

Jumpy and Bobby talk about why he robbed the grocery store that got him into jail for a year. Seems he got out after that but went back in again for another 6 months. Or something. I can’t make sense of Jumpy’s gibberish. And Bobby goes on and on how he wants to just get out of there, by any means necessary.

They get into town to get something and now Bobby sees a thing of interest. We see the thing with the zoom. BANK. Yeah, seems Bobby’s going to rob a bank. Just like the synopsis said. Although the synopsis was wrong in several points, but it’s not their fault. It’s this movie’s.

Next we’re in a… motel room I think. Not sure. Bobby’s place or trailer? Ah, who cares. Anyways, he’s there with the girl, Ruth, and he tells her about his master plan of robbing the bank and shows her his pistol. A small revolver. S&W .36 I think it is. It’s shiny, at least. He keeps telling her it’ll be easy and everything. Well, with one hour of this crap to go, I’m guessing it won’t be easy. I just wonder how much crappier this movie can get. Excuse me while I go wake myself up… now with my face wet, we can move on. Bobby says that Ruth should go with him to rob the bank, but Ruth doesn’t want to because “mah momma left daddy for tha same reason, I ain’t no bank robber, Bobby!” Good example of this drivel, ain’t it? Okay, I gotta stop sounding like a hill-billy, no offense to the people, the accent is just funny.

Bobby tries to convince Ruth that robbing the bank is the best way to get out of the town. He loses his temper and starts breaking stuff while tantruming, I can’t make out what he says since the effects sound at the same time as he speaks. Great editing work… Oh yeah, he did it! Loser. Anyways, they start kissing and stuff.

Next we move onto Jumpy, who’s his old jolly self, talking nonsense and playing the harmonica. He’s sitting and talking with Bobby. He sees Bobby’s got something on his mind but Bobby’s not talking, just says he’s going shopping with Ruth. Jumpy gets customers and seems the only good thing Jumpy really can do is call everyone names. What an asshole. He gets customers and right away he calls the hippie looking people “long-hairs” and “smokers”.

Bobby and Ruth go for the “shopping trip”, ending up in town to sit on a bench and talking to some townsfolk while they watch the local cop hanging out across the street, waiting for him to leave, I think. All the time there’s no other sound but a lonely guitar playing a slow country tune and the sounds of cars passing by. Nice armpit sweat on the cop, I have to say. It’s like an ocean burst in his armpits. Meanwhile Bobby takes out some bandanas for him and Ruth, I guess they’re ready to do some Bonnie and Clyde.

Does thou have saliva?

The camerawork keeps jumping between armpit cop and Bobby + Ruth. With that guitar playing. Boooooriiiing. Oh, a twist. The cop looks over the street to where Bobby and Ruth are… and they’re gone! *gasp* Something interesting happening! I hope they stay off camera… well, the camera stays on the old two men that Bobby and Ruth had sat between of and for some reason… we have to hear the guy spit after he threw his cigar away. Why? WHY? There was no other sounds except the cars passing by and the guitar, but why did we have to hear that old guy spit?!

Okay, calming down, moving along, now it’s robbery time. That bank manager looks familiar. Oh, right, David Huddleston, in that Terence Hill & Bud Spencer movie, Crime Busters. He was the captain, McBride. (Those in my home country Finland know the movie as Turpiin Vaan Ja Onnea). Amazing how a crappy writer/actor/whatever-guy can actually drag real actors into this garbage.

Anyways, Ruthie’s all panicky, or tries to be, while Bobby’s an idiot, not listening to the complying manager who tells him there’s only 2000-3000 dollars in the bank and the armpit cop might be coming around soon to check up on the place as he does in his routine. Bobby just wants to empty up the whole bank. Oh, I forgot to mention that Ruth doesn’t have the bandana on, her face is showing the whole time while Bobby has sunglasses and the bandana, but not much help since Ruth keeps calling him by his name!

So after Bobby’s satisfied, they walk out of there and get into the car, looking as normal as possible as if nothing has happened. Yeah, driving away is real casual, Bobby caught the cop’s attention right away with his “casual” driving. Idiot.

Soon after the manager notifies the cop of the robbery who goes after Bobby and Ruth with his siren screaming. So it’s a chase sequence, with awful music playing at the same time. Hooray. Bobby takes a dirt-road, a sign next to it saying “private land”, and parks next to a small house that stands next to a forest. He and Ruth quickly get out and hide in the forest. Not much hiding since we can see them as clear as day, but the cop doesn’t. He goes towards the house with his trusty shotgun in hand. While he’s behind the house, Bobby and Ruth hi-jack the police car. The cop shoots once after them then looks inside Bobby’s van, but I guess he took the keys away since the cop just shuts the door and says “shit”. So, they got away.

Next we’re at Jumpy’s place who’s mad for Bobby losing his truck and telling him he’s an idiot for robbing the bank. Ruth defends Bobby and Bobby defends himself, but Jumpy has the last word in the argument. Jumpy and Ruth sit together, Ruth saying she loves Bobby and she went with him because of it and blah blah. I can almost guess how the dialogue goes on in this movie.

Bobby gets remorseful for what he did, but he keeps saying he did it for Ruth and to get out of the place. Jumpy finally approves what they’ve done and tells Bobby to take care of his daughter. Bobby and Ruth then get into another of Jumpy’s cars and drive off. I’m only half way through the movie and already I feel it should end now. Please. END. No? Screw you.

Bobby and Ruth make a stop at a gas station and Bobby decides to rob the place. There’s a hippie in the store too and when he sees Bobby’s gun he does this ridiculous twirl around before putting his hands up. That was like a slap to my face. “Warning: Crap sighted!” Kill it with fire!! Anyways, they leave the place without any hassle.

Gimme some sugar..

Now they’re having a picnic next to a lake then they play around in the water after Bobby pushed Ruth in there. And now a goddamn slow love tune starts to play! Noooooooooooooooooo! While we have to watch the worst kissing I’ve seen in a movie. Only good thing about that scene was that it ends. Well, after it ends, the plot thickens. Bobby notices the newspaper, Tallahassee Democrat, lying next to him and sees a clipping on it. “Bank President Swindles Robbers”. Seems the bank manager screwed Bobby over, only giving him about 1500 dollars although he had over 20,000 dollars in the bank. Now Bobby wants to go back and rob everything they have for embarrassing him, but Ruth doesn’t want to go. Bobby somehow manages to talk Ruth over.

Next we’re suddenly already in the bank with Bobby holding the manager at gunpoint. The teller pushes the silent alarm which Ruth doesn’t notice even though she’s holding the gun to his head. Bobby throws the newspaper to the manager to show it was him that he fast-talked into believing the bank had no money. Bobby’s real mad now and the manager is crapping his pants. He tells the teller to get the money who does so. As Bobby and Ruth leave the bank we can hear the sirens closing in. The cop arrives at the bank but Bobby’s already driving far away. A good samaritan points out Bobby’s car to the cop though and he goes right after them. Another chase, woot woot. Before it begins, for some reason we’re shown the temperature. 92 degrees, hot day. Good to know useless information!

The cop comes to the road where Bobby went, but turns the wrong way, then he stops, turns to the right way, but a dog gets in his way, then he just drives back towards the bank. Soon we see Bobby driving past the intersection, going the other way. Stupid ass cop…

Well, Bobby and Ruth get away and the third song by the country singer plays now while they rest at a church before moving on, but surprise, surprise. State troopers have made a roadblock at the county’s border. On the radio we hear the descriptions of Bobby and Ruth. Bobby gets to the roadblock then makes a quick U-turn to make his escape but it’s futile and they get caught. They’re read their rights from a piece of paper then hauled away. Funny thing, they didn’t put any cuffs on Ruth…

It must be hot as hell where they’re filming since goddamn everyone’s sweating like a pig, even the suit-dressed cop’s back is all drenched with sweat, wow. Anyway, Bobby gets his phone call and who does he call? Jumpy, of course. Jumpy’s shouting at Bobby from the phone. Meanwhile in the cells, Ruth is being harassed by two other jailed women, the other clearly after some poon tang. Ruth freaks out, wanting Bobby. Bobby on the other hand is getting beaten up by two guys, the other one being a cop and the other… oh my, that’s the guy from the beginning who Bobby threw the beer can at and got smacked on the face. Well, he sure beat Bobby up now since he’s a bloody mess. Or a ketchup mess. They get interrupted as the bartender lady, Anita, from the beginning visits the place with one girl. Seems they all wanted more screentime.

Anyways, she goes with the cop while the other, J.W., tries to get it on with Ruth. Maybe he’s Ruth’s hubby, I don’t know. Meanwhile at the stairs Anita knocks the cop out, takes the keys while her two black assistants, although she appeared to have come with one, oh well, tend to the cop and she goes to free Bobby. Apparently Jumpy sent her over to get Bobby out. Soon Bobby enters the room with J.W. trying to rape Ruth, but Bobby holds a gun to his head then gets some revenge. Yeah, he beats J.W. up, fubar. As soon as Bobby’s finished, they all leave and like 5 seconds later, J.W. gets up. Realism thrown out the window right away. No-one, not even Rambo, could get up that quickly after a beating like that. He got hit on the head with the gun! I guess he doesn’t have any brains to get knocked out. Well, he grabs the shotgun and staggers to the window to get Bobby. He manages to shoot one of the girls, the white one, that came to rescue Bobby. Only realism isn’t existing here either. He shoots a shotgun and a bullet hole appears on the girl’s back. A bullet hole… *facepalms*

And hang on a second. Did I say he shot the white girl? Anita came with two black girls. Or maybe there was three girls? Or maybe the other girl bleached herself. I don’t know, I don’t care. I just want this movie to end!

Oh and when they show the front of the dead girl, there’s spaghetti and ketch- I mean her guts are splattered out. Now that’s realism. Even Ruthie has blood on her face from the splatter. But the bullet hole in the back… oh nevermind. This shit is almost over.

Ruth freaks out from the girl’s death and Bobby keeps telling her to shut the door before she gets her head blown off. Another girl gets shot, this time in the face, although she acts more like she’s just rubbing her eyes… J.W. runs out of bullets but now his accomplice cop comes out of the front door to shoot at Bobby and the others. Oh, and you’d think a shotgun blast to the face would blow your head off? Not here, she has only like a small wound on her cheekbone and smeared blood all over her face. I guess they couldn’t afford to make anything look real. Except for the spaghetti guts.

While the cop is shooting at Bobby, Ruth grabs her gun and with the second shot she hits his head. A hole appears on his head and there’s fresh paint blood on the door. That was nicely done and he didn’t even over-act his death. Even some light can shine on a pile of dung sometimes.

Well, Bobby, Ruth and Anita get into the car and drive off in a hurry. J.W. comes after them in his car. They go off-road into some field and J.W. goes too fast and lands into a small stream, but he doesn’t get stuck. Funny thing was that the car was already muddy before it hit the stream. Talk about a blooper… Suddenly they’re in a small forest, then a dirt road, then a forest with the dirt road… Then Bobby plays a trick on J.W. who manages to drive off a cliff. Now Hollywood magic happens as the car blows up right after it starts to fall down the cliff. It hasn’t hit anything, it just blows up. Bad timing there. I guess they couldn’t afford to re-take the shot. Explosives are expensive after all. The car rolls down the hill with metal pan sound effects and ends up in the lake. Bye bye J.W.

Bobby manages get back to the real road but as luck would have it there’s a cop car that recognizes him and goes after him. I guess Bobby took the wrong car or something.

So let’s guess! Thelma & Louise style ending or something cheesy, like they manage to get over the border? Let’s watch and see!! Those who guess right, win! I don’t know what yet…

Funny how fast people heal. Bobby was all beaten up and bloodied but now his face is all clean and no cuts or bruises.

Bobby manages to loose the cop, don’t ask how, he just does, and ends up at some old shack in the middle of nowhere. He asks the resident to trade their cars. Smart man that Bobby for once. The resident agrees and our three “heroes” drive off.

Bobby drives off from the main road into the middle of nowhere while telling Anita she should’ve stayed back at the trading place, Anita wonders what he’s up to, he says he’s driving towards the shore to catch a fishing boat to Mexico. Bobby and Ruth tell each other how they love each other while Anita stares suspiciously at Bobby. Soon the ground ends as they plunge into the water. Bobby emerges and starts looking for Ruth. After a long search he swims to the shore, not been able to find her. We get a small flashback of the dive and also him with Ruth at the lake, then he breaks into crying. Soon he gets up and starts running. He goes through a forest, a swamp, a tube in the ground and a farm field.

Next we see a news bulletin on the TV where they’ve found Ruth’s body. Anita’s dead too from the sound of things. Next we’re at Jumpy’s place with Jumpy and, you guessed it, Bobby at his side. That boy sure knows his way around the area. You’d think Jumpy’d be mad at Bobby but he’s all friendly and compassionate. What a dumb shit…. I would’ve ripped Bobby’s head off for killing my daughter. He gives Bobby some money and Bobby drives off, heading to Mexico after all. And thus the movie ends, Bobby driving off… with a cop after him.

Movie ends. Rant begins.

This “movie” has left me speechless. I had a big rant in my mind, shouting profanities all around, but… this was such a big piece of shit it took me two days to watch it. TWO DAYS!!! That’s how horrible this fucktard of a movie was! Two days! ARGH! I’d rather amputate all my limbs, including my head, than ever watch this crap again. My mind has melted and I feel I just want to sit on the porch, play the harmonica and talk in a hillbilly accent all day. This piece of, no, not piece of, galaxy-sized pile of turd rots your brain! Avoid it! This movie is the first one to earn this.

A stinking pile of dung! Yes! This movie needs to be avoided at all cost! I need to watch some porn to save my sanity and humanity of life.

As some treats, here’s the trivia from IMDb.com:

“Negotiations with Jeff Bridges and Robert Blake to play the role of Bobby Lee broke down because of budget limitations, so Jack Conrad had the choice of canceling the shoot or playing the role himself.”

Holy crap, Jeff Bridges?! Even he could have never saved this movie. Thank goodness he never took it. And Mister Conrad should’ve chosen the first option…

“Most of the comedy bits for Dub Taylor were improvised by the actor. He was having a good time, as he rarely got so much screen time.”

Comedy bits?! He wasn’t funny at all! Fuck that comment. He should written “Most of the fucktard pieces of shits that came out of Dub Taylor’s mouth…”

Well, anyway, so much for that. Until next time, please, please watch good movies and avoid this crap. I’m pleading you to stay away from this. This is Dung Bug, I’m gonna take a long shower to wash this from my mind.

And sadly I couldn’t find any clips from this movie. Which is a good thing actually since you’re saved. Lucky beetles…

The Creeper

Yeah, says Rituals, but said The Creeper even in the movie. I guess they changed it later on.

Hello and welcome to another edition of the Dung Heap. Your master of ceremonies Dung Bug is here again to give you crap in the form of cellulite. (that’s film for those who don’t know)

Today’s episode is… The Creeper! Oooooh… I’m excited about this already. Just listen to this amazing synopsis:

A group of doctors head off to the Canadian wildnerness for a nice fishing trip to ease their stress, but in the next morning after camping they find all but one pair of shoes GONE! (*lightning strike with lots of WTF*) The guy whom the shoes belong to hikes off to get help while the others find out that someone is stalking them and attempting to kill them for whatever reason!

… do I smell a Deliverance rip-off here? That is a friggin’ awesome movie. “Squeal like a pig!” Anyways, yeah, I’m smelling a rip-off here, but lets not jump to conclusions. I’ll *try* to enjoy this movie as something original and inventive.

First of all, lets pop this DVD in and…. errr… hold on a second. How could they fuck this up? Okay, the envelope of the DVD says “Creeper”, the movie title says “The Creeper” but on the DVD there’s… Day of the Panther (the other “movie” on this side, might review that later, although I’ve seen it already *cough*crap*cough*) and… Deadly Encounter? What the hell? How… nevermind. (I tried to get a photo of it, but it didn’t work out, sorry.)

So lets start the film and immediately the cheesy drawn title smacks into my face. THE CREEPER! Of course in red. Scary. Then… oh my god this quality sucks monkey balls. I know these DVDs aren’t re-mastered, but come on! There’s all those black lines and everything everywhere! And is that… yeah, a plane is landing on the water. I couldn’t tell at first since they were filming it towards the sun! Hello? Directing at the sun with the reflecting light off the water makes everything, oh I don’t know, WHITE?! *sighs*

Onwards, said the beetle as he rolled the film on.

Five doctors going camping, two of them brothers. Starting with doctor dialogue of how things are for them. Oh, I know that one actor, can’t remember where from, but his face is familiar. *checks* Hal Holbrook, the star of this drivel. Look him up and see if you recognize him. I know I do. So, one of the doctors is very high-strung and Hal’s doctor, Harry, is a bit of a… heartless schmuck. They have hired a plane to get where they need to, it seems, the pilot telling them about the area and also scaring the doctors with his flying skills as he talks turned to the back so he isn’t really

Fun for the whole family!

watching…

The area they went to is called the Cauldron, an old Indian area where they believed the moon (yeah that big rock in the sky) bumped into Earth and created the valley known as the Cauldron. Gotta love those Indian religions (at least in the movies where they make shit up). Our brave doctors stumble in the wilderness, going across rivers then they make camp. Sitting around the fire with one… err… pumping up a blow-up doll? Oooooookay… And two of them are smoking pot and talking odd stuff, like how the place is magical if the moon really bumped in there.

Oh, remember I said how the picture quality is horrible? The sound is the same quality.

The camera is moving around the campsite in the woods like it was a person while our doctors argue about how to treat people or how to be a good doctor. Filming in the dark with crappy quality equals black. Yeah, I can barely see anything. Anyways, they all start fooling around and chanting “Put him back together again!” around the fire after one of them came back dressed up like a freak or something and there’s scary music playing, trying to build up some kind of suspense. I think there’s a black shadow shaped like a person on the picture but I can’t really tell.

All new fart noise reel! With 9 sounds!

So morning comes up… is that someone farting? Oh, it’s a reel on a fishing pole. Nevermind! Soon one of the boys find their boots are gone while others are relaxing in the water, fishing or swimming. The organizer of the trip was smart enough to bring extra shoes so he plans to go to a nearby dam to find help while the others stay at the camp. After a long argument the shoed man goes off.

They get a scare in the evening as one of the guys find a deer’s head stuck into a pole with a snake slithering around. Oooh, the suspense, now they know there’s someone watching them. Or the asshole shoeman playing a trick on them. Harry finds out that the deer was killed only a few hours before since the blood is fresh. Hey, they’re doctors after all. They think it is the shoeman playing a trick on them.

So far I have to say this. The acting is either mediocre or bad. None of the guys stand out with skills.

Shoeman! Dum dum daa! Shoeman!

The guys leave after making make-shift shoes for themselves to get to the dam too or to catch Shoeman (I’ll call him that from now on). As they rest at one spot a beehive drops on them and the bees attack, making the guys run around in panic. They end up falling down a slope and into a river while odd music plays. Even the soundtrack is bad. It’s either non-existing at times or lasts not very long. Or just doesn’t fit the scene.

Anyways, they find one of them on the shore and find him dead. There seems to have been someone up there before the guy fell down and two of them suspect it was Shoeman but Shoeman’s brother doesn’t believe it.

They continue their trip up the river to reach the dam and there’s lots of dialogue. Just trying to build character, but their acting is quite emotionless so there’s not much to build on. One of them finds a rope going across some other riverbend and they assume it’s Shoeman’s rope. They set up camp for the night then continue their journey across the river while suspensing music plays… and is cut while they show a bear trap underwater… then the music continues… ugh, I hate these kinds of bad editing. The music just stops like cut with a knife and continues from where it was cut! Bad bad worse AWFUL! *heart stroke*

Legend... among.......... legends.

As I resuscitate myself, lets move on. The music stops again *heart stops too* Harry falls into the water, but misses the trap, but soon he slips again as his stick gets caught in another trap and the Shoeman’s brother, Marty, gets his foot stuck in a trap. Harry and the third man rush in to help Marty who gets the Over-Acting of the Year award. And stop filming Harry’s backpack, we get it, it’s going down the river! They are starting to believe it couldn’t be Shoeman’s doing, his real name is TJ or DJ, but I’ll call him Shoeman still.

The others are starting to fall apart while Harry keeps a steady head. They fix Marty’s leg up straight since the trap broke the bone and he screams like a girl. Gotta love that.

They head along the river while dragging Marty in a floating stretcher who’s talking crap and singing while being drunk as a skunk.

Now while I was looking up Hal Holbrook’s name, something interesting came up. In IMDb.com, this movie is titled “Rituals”. And the working title is “The Creeper”. Now how can it be if the title in the movie itself says “The Creeper”? Could someone explain me that?

Anyway, not much happening except Marty talking smack, the third guy panicking and being paranoid and Harry being skeptic and level-headed. Marty is talking to the panicked guy about how all the stuff were placed to get them going on and on. He goes on ranting about rituals and other BS. Kind of hard to make out the dialogue since there’s Marty talking crap, a loud waterfall and the music, so I can’t make anything about what Harry and the third guy, Mitsy or something (odd name), are arguing about. Things heat up and Mitzi (I looked it up) pulls Harry into the water and they scuffle. Marty’s panicking since he’s losing his grip on the cliffs while the other two fight. Soon he goes out floating down the stream since he did lose his grip. The others hear and notice him, but he’s too fast to catch. After a while he runs into a rock.

We move to a made campsite where the others try to wake up Marty, who does wake up and tell he can’t see. Seems he went blind due to either shock or the impact. Who knows, who cares. Mitzi and Harry talk, more character building or maybe bonding between them and failing at it.

Next it’s morning, showing the river with music… which then suddenly cuts off again! Goddammit! *throws feces at the composer*

Harry sees a wornout fire or smoke, I don’t know, I couldn’t see anything myself, must’ve been the area where they filmed since it’s was an area in the Ontario where there had been forest fires five years before, calling Mitzi over. Poor Marty is left alone while someone who has been watching them starts moving towards Marty. Our boys come back, causing the “creeper” to flee the scene and they find a medal from World War II on Marty.

The editing is crappy too I have to add here. Did I say that already? I don’t know, this movie sucks.

Harry and Mitzi move on, carrying Marty in the stretcher, both being exhausted. They make a stop to eat and they talk about who is hunting them. Harry believes it’s just a man who wants them out of the area. Mitzi thinks it’s someone wanting revenge or something. Mitzi also wants to go on without Marty since carrying him slows them down. They set up camp and in the morning they find their dead friend’s head on a pike. Nice scare tactic there I must say. Harry also finds an X-ray from 1945. Seems the guy chasing them is a man from the World War II or something.

As they start moving onwards, Mitzi’s had enough and goes on his own way while Harry keeps on dragging Marty with him. Harry struggles onwards while Mitzi staggers onwards. The editing here is awful and the music keeps changing. There’s no consistency here. Sheesh, I did say the editing is bad, but this is pure shit.

Harry sits to rest for a while but suddenly a shadow looms over him and!… it’s just Mitzi. So they continue on together again. Seems Mitzi had a change of heart, bless his soul.

The plot is alive! (Yeah, this one makes no sense, but I lol'ed)

Finally they reach the dam. That’s one weak looking dam. Mitzi breaks into tears as it seems the dam hasn’t been used in years. Meanwhile a shadowy figure is shown in the distance. Oooooh. Maybe something will finally actually happen!

They walk over the dam and find the Shoeman! He’s tied to a chair of some kind with ropes and chains. So he’s dead. Harry finds another X-ray photo and a medical paper attached to it. Seems the person was in traction. I couldn’t make out what else Harry said since he talked so oddly. Anyways, the plot thickens, seems our creeper is getting revenge on our doctors for what was done to him in the past.

Oh, Shoeman’s alive! Only barely. They can’t take both disabled guys with them so Harry does the best he can think of. Euthanasia. He kills poor Shoeman. While he does this, our shadowy figure watches from the distance.

When Harry’s done, he finds Mitzi’s gone. He’s gone walking, not baring to see what Harry is doing or did. Harry’s left alone in the broken dam, crying to himself. I guess he has remorse about what he just did. He talks to the vegetable-Marty, telling him he’ll come back for him, only to find out that Marty’s dead too.

So Harry goes on alone into the wilderness. I wonder how he would even survive. He’s got no food, no water, no weapons, not even decent footwear. Anyways, he finds some sort of a house or a hut in the middle of the woods, there’s nice rotting but also good dried meat hanging from the roof which Harry eats some. He investigates the place and finds paperclippings and medals from the World War II. Dun dun dunn! It’s our creeper’s home!

He finds all the boots hidden under the bed. Then someone calls out to Harry from the outside. An old man comes inside and attacks him, swinging his big club around, but Harry takes him down quickly. The old man is blind and the place is his. This is getting rather interesting now. Only if I could see anything! Didn’t this camera crew have any lights with them? Talk about bad directing and photography… So let me correct what I just said: Plot = interesting, movie = still crap.

The old man, Jonesy or Jessie, I think he said his name is, is telling Harry to go, that his brother isn’t the same after the war, but “he hunts good”. Okay, so the old man’s brother must be the creeper then who was done horrible things to during the war. Yush, my bung deetl-… dung beetles, we have solved the mystery!

Harry finds a gun, a big one, and decides to defend himself and the old man, but the creeper is sneakier and stabs Harry from behind through a crack in the wall. At least I think that’s what happened. I really can’t tell, the picture quality is that awful. Harry tries to blast the old two-barreled shotgun but the old thing doesn’t work. He takes the old slugs out and replaces them with fresh ones. I wonder if that helps if all the slugs are the same age. Well, we might see some Hollywood magic here.

We hear a voice outside and it’s Mitzi! He’s been tied up and is hanging down from a tree. I smells a trap! Mitzi keeps yelling to Harry while Harry tends to his wound. Seems he got sliced on the thigh. He says one of his arteries is slashed so he treats to it quickly before he bleeds to death. Meanwhile the creeper is building a bonfire to burn Mitzi. Harry does what everyone knows: gunpowder on the wound and burn it shut to cauterize it. Harry goes into a small shock from the pain and when he comes to… he finds Mitzi burning. He was out for too long.

Soon the creeper tries to get into the hut and opens the latch, but Harry blasts his arm almost off. Then the creeper staggers in, shows his dogtags to Harry and starts moving slowly towards him. The creeper is a real freak. His other eye is totally shut, his mouth is gaping open, his head is larger than normal and even his body looks deformed in a way. Harry decides to shoot the fucker. Yeah! Go go Harry!

Soon it’s morning and we see Harry walking in the wilderness and he finds a long road. He sets his cane down, sits down on the middle of the road, takes the dogtags in his hands and waits while the end credits start to roll while peaceful music plays.

Aaaaah… let the rant roll.

Hal the man, yeah!

This was fucking boring! Oh my god! Barely nothing happened except until the end! Except for those few suspensing moments here and there. (I wonder how many times I’ve used that word…)  It was all the time building suspense and more suspense! I’d rather watch a rhino taking a chopper-dump than watch this again. Acting = bad, picture quality = awful, sound = terrible, editing = horrendous, but it did still have some good points. The music wasn’t all that bad, it just didn’t seem to fit at some points and the editing really butchered it. The actors were so and so, but it tended to go from bad to worse at points. Only one good was Hal Holbrook. He’s won 10 Emmy’s after all, so yeah. Can’t badmouth him. Respect!

Anyways, all in all, I’d say avoid it unless you find a re-mastered version. The plot did have it’s hold on me at points, but the way it went on about the guys just traveling and arguing made me want to go to sleep. So all in all, bad movie. I give this drivel 1 turd. Yeah, just 1. It’s not worth watching. Especially alone.

Until next time, this is Three-Dog, owwww! … oh, sorry, wrong character there. This is Dung Bug, pbbtbtbtbbtbtbtbbtbt! Smell you lovely beetles later! Have a fun movie night or whatever night you wish it to be! Just make it fun!!

Oh and as a special treat, the trailer of the movie and… if it doesn’t make you laugh or go bug-eyed like I did, you’re a sick turd. And the picture quality is better here than it was on the DVD! … I’m gonna go burn the fucker down…

The Devil With Seven Faces

So, here’s the first one of my reviews and it’s the first movie in the collection I have. Let’s put this sucker in the player and watch a crappy movie.

Yeah, you wish it was that exciting...

The synopsis’s on these DVD’s… I don’t trust them. At all. Ask my friend, he can agree with it. Apparently, it’s a movie of some woman’s twin mistaken for her as she has stolen some diamond that some thieves want badly and the woman is helped by two men who are also somehow involved in the scheme. Whatever, let me just watch how it goes.

Okay, the title credits says it all already. I’m about to see something very cheesy. This one was made in 1971, it starts with slow jazzy music, like I was in a lounge or something, and the credits slide in and out of the screen, all white and blocky. As if I was watching Loveboat… gods, could it get any cheesier? Oh yes, it would. A woman sings. Scat-style. Perfect for this place. And I don’t mean the sexual kink, you sick freaks. I mean the singing style. Like Scatman John? Remember him? That style. Anyways, moving on!

And yes, I’m writing this review as I watch the movie so these texts are written in real-time. So to speak…

And the credits are still going, now we’re getting the streets of some city being filmed… from inside a car… with the camera waving all around. Sheesh, ever heard of stabilizing the camera?! It’s making me carsick.

And it seems it’s filmed in Holland. Now, in the credits it does say “Producation Manager in Holland”, but really gave it away was the signs on the street, especially the one saying “Bank Nederland” or something like that. So yeah, we’re in Netherland or Holland or Dutchland or whatever you want to call it.

Thank you for stopping filming in the car! That was really annoying…

The river looks nice at night with all the street lights on but that’s all you really see except for those rolling credits.

Now what I’m really curious about is why would the Italians go to shoot this movie in Holland? It’s beyond me. Hey, at least the showed gratitude to the Holland’s police at the credits, so that’s good. Polite people the Italians, aren’t they? Oh, I’m so looking forward to the bad lip-syncing and awful dubbing….

So we start after the credits people leaving some party apparently and our main lady says goodbye to some handsome man she met in the party as they make their own ways, he gives her his name and address before leaving. Seems they liked each other.

Right… I’ve seen 4 minutes of the movie and already I’m being disappointed. The camerawork is atrocious. Horrible. Ghastly. I don’t know if this is supposed to be in widescreen or something, but in the scene some woman is being chased by an apparent crook. They don’t show us the crook, only his hand holding a knife and his shoes, but I can’t even see the woman! She’s way out of focus of the camera! Come on! I don’t want to see the wall, I want to see the actress so put HER in the center! This is already sucking ass.

Okay, that didn’t last long, the “crook” caught her, took 3 pictures of her and she fainted. Next scene!

Seems the chased woman’s twin works as a translator for a company called Air India. Snappy name… Anyways, this one gets a call from the other one. From London. Wait a minute… wasn’t she in Holland? Or maybe London took a vacation in Holland for a moment? I don’t give a damn. This dialogue sucks.

That I couldn't find a funnier picture.

Riiight, she, her name being Julie, gets scared by some Japanese guy in a gorilla mask and a kukri. Kukri is an Indian style short sword, look it up if you don’t know it. Anyway, I can’t understand a shit what this guy’s saying. The fake accent is so horrible I can’t understand if he’s talking Engrish or Gibbelish. Yeah, I’m funny, so sue me. “Most solly, most solly!” Yeah, he said that. Oih.

Now we’re in the office of the guy from the beginning, his name is Dave, and some friend of his, whose name is Tony, is visiting him, but also Julie visits him and Tony is put away in the other room for a while. Oh! So she was the one being chased at the beginning, not her sister, Mary, who called her on the phone. Right, now that that’s corrected, she tells him her sister called and told how she feels she’s being watched. Hey lady, you forgot you were basically attacked the other night? What a dumbass. Apparently Dave is a lawyer, so why not visit him.

So suddenly Julie’s gone (we never see that though) and Dave brings Tony back in and they joke around a little and… Julie’s scuffling with a guy outside? What the hell? Ah, Tony saw her outside. Good that I didn’t see that because of the crappy camerawork! GODS!

Anyways, Tony and Dave rush in to save the day and the crooks drive off. Hooray.

Next we’re at her house and they’re talking about her sister Mary and how she’s in trouble and who the crooks could’ve been. The acting… actually, I won’t tell how bad it is or anything else that’s until the end from now on. Unless something really ticks me off. Like how bad the dialogue is!

Later on the guys leave her and her night is uneventful and the next day she calls Tony, who is at the race track, getting ready to drive, and invites her over for her to keep her mind off of things. Nice guy that Tony, if he wasn’t so eager to get into her pants.

What really annoys me in the movie right now… is the goddamn elevator music!! That’s all I have to say. And it’s the same music all the time…

While Julie’s with Tony, Dave visits her work place then flirts with her secretary, then takes her to a boatride and a picnic. What’s with these guys?!

Dave seemed to want to get more info on Julie, but the secretary didn’t want to just talk about her so Dave scores some. Hooray.

Will it ever stop!

Now it’s nighttime and Tony and Julie arrive at her place with the most annoying and crappiest sound effects crickets playing in the background. How can I tell it’s just a sound effect? Same length of the two sounds as it loops over and over at different speeds. Oh the technology of the 70′s. The sound is really piercing through my ears. I would use those to torture people… scratch that, this movie is torture.

In the house there were two goons who capture Tony and Julie and try to interrogate Julie for something, I don’t know what they want. All the other goon says is “Where is it?”. Tony’s held up by the laughing goon and tries to fight him but gets clobbered and as the tough goon is about to cut Julie to get some answers, the laughing goon finds the picture of the twin sisters and she tells them about Mary, but not where she is. Suddenly some cops arrive at the scene and as the other one is about to knock on the door, the goons burst out and shoot him then run to their car. The other cop shoots the other goon after a gunfight while the other goon drives off. Then the cop goes to check up on his partner when Tony and Julie come and out Tony hits the cop unconscious. Why did Tony do that? I don’t know. Your guess is as good as mine. Anyways, Tony and Julie jump into Tony’s car and drive off.

At least this isn’t as bad as some movies I’ve seen where there’s no plot, but this clearly has one, so kudos on that.

Tony, Julie and Dave make a plan to go back to the house as if they had never been there and meet up a detective who right from the start is very suspicious about them. As the movie goes on, we find the detective having tapped Dave’s phone.

Tony has found a new place for Julie to stay at and he starts to flirt with her but Julie’s not that responsive. In Dave’s office Dave’s talking with Julie’s secretary. So now there’s lots of meaningless dialogue and possible character build. The secretary does give Dave valuable info about Julie’s sister Mary.

I has a screamz!

We move onto Julie being alone in the new house and there’s footsteps on the second floor. She gets freaked out but goes to investigate… with a lighter that has a foot long flame. Does your lighter have a foot long flame? Sissies! Get one now like Julie’s! Kickass lighter. Anyways, she ends up in a creepy attic and looks around. Seems her lighter also works like a flashlight with that spotlight on the furniture. *facepalms* So, she looks scared and the place is dusty and old with cobwebs and such. She’s a really crappy actress when it comes to her being scared. Finally she finds the housekeeper, Mrs Horst, dead in the attic gives out the worst scream I’ve ever heard. She stumbles in the darkness, trying to act scared, although I don’t know what those noises are she makes. Moans? Grunts? Sighs? I know I’m sighing at her acting. Then she finds her to the front door and… faints into Tony’s arms.

Okay, I did say kudos to the script as it has a plot, but now I’m getting lost here. I guess I’ll have to keep watching to find out what the heck is going on.

So Julie tells Tony what she saw and Tony goes to investigate. He has a match, but the light it produces is more powerful than on Julie’s flamethrower lighter. Wow, the powers of fire still continues to amaze me. Well, Tony comes back and says he saw nothing. Seems Julie’s going a little ding-dong, if you know what I mean.

Next in Dave’s office he is visited by an insurance agent, showing him a newspaper with the story of a robbery of a million dollar diamond. He represents the owner of the diamond, some maharajah. He also tells Dave that Julie’s sister Mary is the one that stole the diamond but she didn’t do it alone. Her husband made her do it, but now they believe she’s kept the diamond to herself. DUN DUN DUNN! Ze plot, she thickens, hohn hohn hohn! Yeeeah… you try writing a French accent!

Dave also got a phone call from someone he had hired to investigate the situation, I guess, as the guy is translating Dutch newspapers. Now we have our detective talking to one of his subordinates, telling him all that usual police stuff that we see in many other movies…

Julie and Tony talk a little, Julie saying she’ll go to Tony’s house when it gets dark while Tony goes to pick up someone from the airport. Don’t you just love meaningless scenes in the middle of the movie? Well, Tony calls Julie from the airport and she says Mary called her and all is well, nobody following her. Why didn’t we see the phone call instead of this crap? Sheesh. No more kudos to the script. This movie’s dragging along with nothing happening!

After a useless night panorama of the city, Julie and Tony are having dinner with the friend, Marlow, who was picked up from the airport. Seems he’s a business man and into many things. In Holland he’s into, can you guess? Yeah, the “stone market”, like he said. As in jewels. Hmmm….

Next we’re suddenly at the beach with Julie tanning while wearing the stupidest wig ever and Dave meeting her. Talk about skipping from scene to scene without explanation. Sheesh. *goes to burn the script* Anyways, Dave and Julie talk about Mary, who is going to send the diamond to Julie. This dialogue drags on and on like all the rest and she’s still the worst actress ever. I’m really starting to hate her.

Now we’re at Heathrow’s apparently, Dave’s little investigator arriving there and our detectives subordinate meeting up with the man, suspicious that the investigator is there on Dave’s business, but he doesn’t tell the cop anything since the cop is out of his jurisdiction.

I has gudz hairs.

Then we skip to the race tracks with Julie and Tony talking about Tony going on Julie’s behalf to fetch the diamond package with Julie being worried for Tony’s safety. And is it just me or does Julie’s hair and clothes change between every damn scene? What does she do? Go to the hairdresser’s before she meets with anyone or goes anywhere?

American hotel. What a nice name for a hotel. *rolls eyes* Well, guess what? Yes, we skipped to another scene. There’s no consistency anywhere, we’re just skipping along from one scene to another. Each scene lasting for at least 3 minutes before we go to the next. Do it any faster and I’d be lost forever in this drivel. Anyways, now we catch a conversation between our bad guys, oh yeah, we’ve been waiting for this one.

Okay, that conversation was a bit meaningless and… I didn’t get much of it. All I know is they’re watching for Tony’s next move and the other crook is the insurance man who had met with Dave earlier. Greedy bastard.

Ah, now Tony and Julie are in bed. Finally. I was wondering when they would end up there. Oh, and she has wigs. So that explain the constant hair change. And stop the damn music! It’s too cheesy!

Next Dave is in his office talking to his investigator pal. Seems he did a great job since Dave’s extatic about the info he got.

Now it’s time for Tony to drive to the meeting or whatever he was going to. Dave calls Julie and tells her to wait for him. Tony is being followed by one of the gangsters. Julie seems to be getting ready to leave but as she opens the front door, she’s greeted by our pal Marlow. Now Tony has the package and leaves and the gangster is right behind him. Now it’s a chase. Marlow’s with Julie, worried about Tony. Tony’s now being chased by two cars. How’d the other car get there, your guess is as good as mine. What a high-speed fast for- I mean chase! I don’t know why they fast-forwarded that one scene in this chase, but it looks stupid as hell. The rest of the “chase”… just the cars going at maybe… 40 miles per hour. (around 64 km per hour) Anyway, seems Tony had had someone along with him in the car all the time as he suddenly jumps out of the car after stopping and then the car drives off. The gangsters of course follow it while Tony drives off in a different car with someone. Apparently one of his helpers.

Meanwhile, Julie and Marlow are still waiting for Tony and Julie looks really worried.

Now we see the gangster have caught up with “Tony” and smash into the car until he is pushed out of the road. There’s a little gunfight and the fake Tony gets killed. The gangsters find out about Tony’s trick and go to check on the third gangster who had crashed the fake Tony off the road, but he’s dead too. Soon we see the cops have found the cars (fast buggers) and call for a tow truck and an ambulance.

Next we see… the cover of Mayfair magazine. Marlow’s reading it. Or “reading” it. Those who don’t know what Mayfair is, it’s like Playboy or Hustler. So a pr0n mag. Where Marlow got it from, beats me. Now Tony’s back and looking pissed off. Seems the diamond he got is a total fake and thinks Julie’s double-crossed him.

Dave is worried and tells his secretary to call for the detective to meet him at Julie’s place. Meanwhile Tony is torturing Julie by drowning her in the tub to make her talk. Seems Marlow and Tony were after the diamond from the start. I also now recognized the guy dubbing for Marlow. Same one who dubs Bud Spencer’s voice. Cool. Outside Tony’s helper is in the car honking the horn and Tony goes to check it out.

Now Marlow does the good cop/bad cop routine, Tony did the bad cop, now Marlow plays the good cop, talking nicely to Julie, but she says she doesn’t know anything. Meanwhile outside Tony is checking on his helper friend and finds him dead. Soon Tony’s shot in the chest and does a really over-the-top death scene. It was one of the gangsters in the car, seems they had finally caught up with them.

Now the insurance guy is in the house, holding up Marlow who seems to know who he is. Marlow shows the fake diamond and then gets shot. Julie is met by the insurance guy who seems to want to ask her something.

Soon the cops arrive, but the place is empty. Marlow’s dead and Julie’s kidnapped. Seems Marlow was an old friend of the FBI. I wonder if it’s in a good way or a bad way… Probably bad.

Now we meet Julie and the gangsters at some old windmill in the middle of nowhere with the insurance man chasing her around while he laughs like a madman. Dave and the detective are sitting around and talking while waiting for something. This skipping from scene to scene is just ridiculous and the dialogue takes us nowhere. Now the insurance man is trying to make a deal with Julie if she tells where her sister is, but as she doesn’t trust him she bites his wrist and then… yowch, right on the nuts. Lady, that was uncalled for.

The other gangster comes up to check what’s going on and as he comes through the door… he suddenly falls down. Tony behind him and a knife on his back. How did Tony get there? He was shot! Well, Tony’s wounded but it seems he was able to follow them, but if you look at the wound, he was shot where the heart it. Tough guy. Well, he kills the insurance guy and now Julie makes her escape with Tony hot on her tail. She stumbled with some wire keeping a gate locked… when she could just jump over it! She’s also one slow runner when she can’t even outrun a wounded man.

Seems Tony’s wound is starting to get the better of him but he still keeps on going after her. I guess he just wants to kill her. Good, me too, she annoys me.

They get to some road and there’s a construction vehicle of some kind and she hides behind it while Tony tries to shoot her. As she climbs into the cabin, she accidentally releases the handbrake and the truck starts to roll downhill, straight towards Tony while we hear police sirens in the background. Tony’s too weak to move and yup. Crush. Apparently there really wasn’t much blood in Tony left, counting from the two small puddles of blood left behind. Or maybe that’s raspberry sauce…

Now we come to the scene where a crying Julie walks into Dave’s arms and she tells the detective that it all started because they mistook her for her sister. The looks on Dave’s and Julys face though look… odd. Suspicious in some way.

Now the horrible song from the start plays and we see Julie getting into a taxi. Seems she’s had enough and is leaving Holland as we’re in the airport now. She’s leaving to Rome. We see our detective and his subordinate and the final truth comes out. Julie has been dead for 2 years and our Julie is really Mary. So Mary/Julie is in the airplane and Dave’s there too. He has had his suspicions since the start and his investigation was all about her. Seems Tony was Mary’s wife but he was a dumbass so he believed she was Julie instead of his ex-wife Mary. What a complete idiot. Meanwhile the detective tells why he didn’t arrest her. It was because she was helping the police and they didn’t have any proof against her. And in the airplace Dave finds the diamond in a pack of cigarettes she had had all the time with her. Now I understand why they showed her picking up the cigarettes all the time. They were trying to hint us “hey that’s important in a way!” Yeah, like we would get that during the movie.

So, that’s the end. Now it’s time for a summary of it and my opinions!

Let’s see….

What a piece of shit. Now, the I said the camerawork was horrible at the beginning but it got better towards the end. Still, it was awful at some points. And what was all the scenery footage between scenes? Gods, that was annoying. It was like “Hey, lets put something in-between the scenes so we won’t just skip between them.” Yeah, like that helped, they still skipped from one scene to another and that was fucking annoying as shit on the side of the bowl of the toilet!

And the acting! Oh, save me from the pile of turd! She was the worst one of them all. Her facial expressions were awful, she sometimes said stuff while the other was talking, a mistake no actoe should do unless it’s in the script, and her scream, oh my gods, I’ll be having nightmares and wake up screaming like her.

The story wasn’t so bad, but you really don’t get much out of it, but I guess that was what they aimed for. Keeping you all the time guessing on what the hell was happening and that’s what I was doing all the time. After every scene I was “WTF?” Then the climax explains EVERYTHING. Couldn’t they at least keep something a secret? No, they tell us EVERYTHING.

Man, fuck this shit. Don’t watch this alone. Only with friends if you want to laugh at a movie. You’ll be laughing your asses off at her acting.

So all in all, not a totally horrendous movie, but not a good one either. The music annoyed the shit out of me, the leading actress annoyed the hell out of me and the title of the movie should The Devil with Seven Feces.

There’s my review of this piece of garbage.

As a conclusion, I’ll give my points. My point system is giving turds, 1 to 5. Unless it’s a totally shitty movie, those will get a dung heap, which means never watch it. But this one is watchable and I give it a total of 2 turds.

For you lovely beetles, I have a link here for a clip from the movie. The first 11 minutes. You’ll hear that jazzy intro and get a feel of this movie,  so enjoy.

Welcome!

Hello to all my fellow movie-goers and you lovely dung beetles and dung beetlettes! This is the Dung Heap. I am your master of the heap, Dung Bug, and I will be reviewing from time to time lots and lots of crappy B-movies of all genres from old ages up to newer stuff! I will burn my eyes, bleed my ears and chew off my tongue for your reading pleasure as I watch the movie and then put the review where it belongs. Here! In the pile of dung.

So sit back. Relax. Have a cool drink.

Then brace yourself for lots of bad language, lots of brain-dead comments and (hopefully) humorous text.

As a foreword I will announce that I am not a professional writer, I had been thinking of doing this for a long time and now it’s my time to shine! (or smell, rather) Anyways, I’m doing this review thing with a friend of mine who also does reviews of movies, but he writes his in our mother language Finnish, but here you will enjoy my reviews in good ol’ English. Hopefully my grasp of the language is sufficient enough to keep you all up with my wit. Which I don’t have much.

Anyways, if you are a Finnish person reading this, visit my friend’s blog to read up his reviews or stay here in the Heap and smell these lovely reviews that will ooze out of my fingers and mind onto your screen.

Inviting image, isn’t it?

Well, smell you all later! Hopefully you will enjoy my reviews in the future as the first one will arrive here soon enough.